Reset - [Yandere!Levi x Amnesiac!Reader] - Part 4

[once again, WARNINGS for creepiness, violence, TRIGGERS for abusive/obsessive relationships, language, and yandere-ness]


...



"Cadet [First] is unwell again?" Hanji inquired, gently blowing on her cup of tea. "How very strange! I was so certain that her condition had improved. She looked quite healthy when I last spoke with her."

Levi propped up an elbow against the armchair, and stared into the fireplace. His own cup of tea remained untouched on the table.

"She is in a… precarious state right now," he said, not meeting Hanji's eyes. "I still intend to keep her in my care, no matter how long it takes for her to recover."

Hanji smiled and took a delicate sip. "Yes, well… I'm sure she trusts you very much, Levi.   She and I were just talking about you earlier."

Pitch black eyes flickered in the firelight.   "Meaning…?"

The bespectacled woman let out a burst of laughter.   "Don't look at me like that, Levi.   Only good things, naturally. Your dedication to her is second to none.   Everyone knows that. Why else would they let you be in complete charge of looking after her?"

"Well, it's not like the Recon Corps are willing to burden themselves with an amnesiac, when they've got enough shit on their plate as it is," Levi said, nonchalantly. "I only do everything by myself because I have to, and I never give anything less than my best effort. That includes doing my best to accommodate her, if no one else will."

"So you say," Hanji teased with a grin. "It's obvious that you still have feelings for her. Who exactly is Humanity's Greatest Soldier, if he's not human? Clearly you have the capability to love and show compassion as would anyone else."

Levi said nothing. His expression was unfathomable as he continued to stare into the firelight.

Hanji took another sip of her tea. "But you know, Levi… Perhaps the road to recovery requires a different approach than the one you're using now. Maybe instead of monitoring Cadet [First]'s activities every second of the day, why not allow her to some time for herself?" She smiled warmly. "Let her wander - not too far of course - and rediscover the world on her own. It seems to me that you've been shutting her away for fear that she might hurt herself. Hiding from the world. Keeping her in a gilded cage."

Levi gazed at her coldly, completely unmoved.   "What I do is for her own good.   If she should try to distance herself from me, she will most definitely end up hurt."

Despite the faintest hiss in his voice, the hidden meaning of those words was completely lost on Hanji.

"You don't know that for certain, Levi," mused Hanji, stirring a bit of lemon into her tea.   "Listen, I understand what you're trying to do. You want to salvage the past, don't you? I know it must hurt, to know that she remembers nothing of your relationship with her…"

Tired eyelids closed. Levi let out a weary sigh.

"…More than you can imagine," he remarked, as though conversing with his own thoughts than with the woman sitting in front of him.   "My memories of her, the way she was back then… They are all I have left."

"Memories can be pleasant," Hanji said kindly, though with a tone of frankness. "…They can also be burdensome. Have you considered moving on, Levi? Giving yourself a fresh start? Letting go of the past is never easy, I understand. But maybe for you and [First], it might work out for the better."

Levi shook his head. "That's impossible. [First] is my entire world. I can't imagine a past, present, or future without her. If I let her go… I'll have nothing left. You can't ask me to live the rest of my life as if nothing ever happened between us in the first place."

Hanji smiled patiently. "I'm not saying that you should cut her off completely from your life. A little bit of distance can be a very healthy thing, too. Besides, no matter how much you may love someone, eventually we all need to learn how to function on our own."

She brought the cup of tea back up to her lips.   Levi watched her intently as the bespectacled woman breathed in its sweet scent, humming in contentment.

"In any case," she continued brightly, taking in a longer, fuller sip of tea. "I plan to conduct a little more research on the topic of memory loss to figure out what exactly might be the problem. The separate cases of both Eren and [First] are curious, indeed. Similarities between the two suggest that certain stimuli in the environment might be a trigger for amnesia. This leads me to believe that such instances of memory loss can be artificially-induced, as in a drug for example. Come to think of it, I've heard rumours that illicit alchemists in the underground have been working on such a substance-"

All of a sudden, Hanji pressed a palm to her forehead, looking strangely dizzy. She began rocking back and forth softly on her seat, cradling her head. All the while, Levi watched her like a hawk.

"…Something amiss, Hanji?" He asked mildly, eyeing her cup of tea.

"Oh…" Hanji breathed.   She was clearly in a daze. ""Oh, dear me… You know what? I can't quite… I can't quite remember what it was that we were talking about just now! And I feel so woozy all of a sudden. How very strange!"

"…Nothing at all?" Levi inquired, staring at her with utmost attention.

Bewildered, Hanji gave her head a few shakes. "I feel as though I just woke up from a long nap… but I didn't fall asleep, did I? You and I were having a conversation just now after all. Isn't that right, Levi?"

"Indeed we were," Levi answered nonchalantly, sipping from his own cup of tea.

"That's very odd…" Hanji mused to herself, still looking a little lightheaded. "I can't remember the conversation at all… Am I finally going crazy after all?"

Levi promptly set his half-emptied up of tea down on the tray.

"Nothing new about that. You probably overworked yourself again, shit-specs," he said, rising from his seat. "How about getting some actual asleep for once? Before you give yourself an aneurysm."

Hanji laughed merrily in spite of herself.   "Now you're just a cauldron calling the kettle black! I've see the way you sleep in your chair!" She waved him off. "Right, right, I see your point, Levi. I'll get right to bed then. Good night, Levi."

"Good night, Hanji," Levi replied, murmuring under his breath as he pivoted a heel and left the room.   On his face was a look of cold satisfaction. Clutched in his hand was a small vial. Whatever substance it once contained was now emptied out. The black-haired man quietly discarded it in a nearby suit of armor, before making his way through the silent, deserted corridor.

Once he was safe in the spic-and-span confines of his office, Levi shut the door and locked it. No one would be disturbing him for the rest of this evening. Low, sharp breaths were drawn in anticipation.   There was work to be done, you to see, and so much to take care of. But first, there was a bit of cleaning he had to do.

Alone in his office, in the dead of night, Levi emptied out the contents of his desk. Notebook upon notebook was extracted, one for every time your memories were reset. Levi's brow creased with discontent. In the past, he remembered mornings and evenings that were spent in mutual bliss and tenderness with you. But you recalled none of these things. All you wrote ever about in your notebooks were the same nightmarish stories of terror, cruelty and deceit.

One by one, the sheets of parchment were torn from their covers. Your words, evidence of any wrongdoing on Levi's part, were cast into the fire where they warped and turned black. The air was filled with the acrid scent of burning vellum. It was almost enough to make his eyes water as he stared into the inferno.

A sigh escaped his lips. Soon it would be time to see you again. In a way, you were difficult to handle. To keep under his control. But Levi had put in too much work to give up at this point. The way he saw it, it was better to live happily in forgetfulness and oblivion than to forever remember the painful moments of the past. This was a lesson he intended to teach you, no matter how much you believed otherwise.

With cold resolution, Levi took a blade from his desk and began making his way towards the spare bedroom, where you were kept.   A bird in a cage.

Really… all of this was for your own good.

---


"No. Nonono… Stop… Levi! No! Please…! It hurts! PLEASE!"      

Once again, you were pleading for mercy. For three days, from dawn to dusk, endless screams tore from your throat until the inside was raw and red. Now, the only sound that came out was a weak, rasping cry.   That was nothing, however, compared to the pain that filled your skull as the edge of a cold iron blade scraped across your skin. Drawing lines. Making marks. Staining you with red.

You were still bound. Instead of cords, however, Levi confined you with iron shackles instead. They were cold, heavy, and painfully tight on your wrists and ankles. The bedsheets were streaked and spotted with blood. Levi always made it a point to change them every night when he was finished with you.   You were allowed to scream as much as you wanted, he had said. The room was built to be soundproof, after all.

You had screamed so much in the beginning, out of fear, anger, and pain. But also, out of defiance. A part of you still believed in the smallest chance of salvation. Sooner or later, someone would have to realize that you were missing. Someone would have to hear your screams, sooner or later. Someone would have to find you, somehow, and put an end to this madness.

…But no. Those who inquired after you were simply told that you too unwell to make an appearance, and trusted Levi's words. Those who heard the eerie, high-pitched echoes at night surmised that it was merely the wind, shrieking through cracks and corridors of the castle.   No one was looking for you. There was no waking from this nightmare.

By now, your energy was nearly spent. You were drained of all strength and will to resist. All you could do was cry and whimper pitifully as Levi pinned you down, and carved small, thin, yet searing cuts upon your skin. From neck to toe, back to chest, and shoulder to digit, you were covered in them. This time, Levi was focused upon the soft inner surface of your left arm, elbow to wrist.

"…Have you had enough?" He asked, his voice a simple murmur. Removing the blade, he lowered his face to the bleeding cut on your wrist, and placed his lips upon it.

You gasped shrilly as his tongue swept across the wound, sending needles and pinpricks shooting up your arm. The moment you felt the cruel bite of his teeth, sinking around the cut, your eyes stung and welled up. And here, you had been so sure that you had completely run out of tears by now. Instead, they flooded down your cheeks, staining your pillow.

In due time, the lips of your captor were pried away with an audible, sucking noise, leaving behind a bruising welt covered in red spots. Levi lifted his head, and stared at you heartlessly, mouth still stained with red.   His eyes were like the void itself - pitch black and empty of all emotion. They dragged you in and refused to let go.

"Do you want me to stop?" he inquired silkily.   "Remember… You know what you have to do."

You leaned your tear-stained face into the pillow.   You couldn't find the energy or courage to look at him. But he forced you anyway, grabbing your chin roughly and tilting your face towards him.

"I have something that will take away the pain.   …Will you let me make it all better for you?" His eyes flashed dangerously, like a cat in the dark. "Or will I have to punish you until you understand?"

In his hand was the syringe. The sight of it snapped you back to the waking world.

"I'm talking about this," he uttered in a baleful, impatient snarl. His grip tightened around your face, squeezing your jaw.   "This. I want you to beg me for this."

 
You gritted your teeth, and weakly shook your head.   …No. Not that. Anything but that.

You were down to your last legs, but you still had some fight left. Sensing your obstinacy, Levi's temper flared. His lips pulled back, baring teeth.
                                                                                                                                                            
"You're making this far more difficult than it has to be, [First]!" he hissed, locking his fingers into your hair and pulling viciously. You cried out as needles shot across your scalp. "I won't stop until you're begging for it! I'm telling you, this is what you want! NOW SAY IT!"

Your jaw opened and closed, as though barely mouthing words. By now your voice as almost gone. Intent on an answer, Levi leaned in eagerly so that he might hear you better.

You mustered every bit of defiance you had left and spat into his face. A dollop of spittle, mixed with blood, landed on the surface of his cheek.

Levi closed his eyes and froze, as though he had been stung. The moment he gathered his composure, he breathed in sharply through his nose and reached for a cleaning cloth resting on the bedside table. Beneath that indifferent expression, you could tell that he was absolutely seething with rage. Your moment of triumph was all but eclipsed by renewed fear, and you began to wonder what your rebellion would cost you this time.

Levi's face was wiped clean. Calmly rising from the bed, he took the cloth to a nearby basin.   You gulped, suddenly realizing all too well what came next.

The air was filled with a chemical stench.   Levi was soaking the cloth in concentrated peroxide. He had done this every day for the past handful of evenings. Your wounds needed cleaning after all, he said, but you knew that this was merely a minor benefit in comparison to what he really wanted to do to you. Your head was suddenly shot with panic.

"No… Levi, I didn't mean it… Don't… Please…!"

The moment your pleas and apologies came flooding from your mouth, the cuts on your arm suddenly erupted in searing, white-hot pain. In time, it spread to the cuts on your back, neck, shoulders and body. Everywhere Levi administered the disinfectant, you felt the agonizing bite of a chemical far too caustic for skin contact, even more so on a raw, open wound. You felt like screaming, but the only sound you could manage was a horrible, gurgling noise.

Levi merely clicked his teeth impatiently.   "The harder it stings, the more it cleanses," he said. "You brought this upon yourself, you know. It's your own fault for being so disobedient."   He spoke as though he were merely berating a child under his care, and he was only tending to your wounds. If he had noticed the white burn marks that were starting to form upon the surface of your skin, like scabs, he certainly gave no sign.

With one arm held hostage, you buried your tear-stained face into the crook of your other elbow, sobbing uncontrollably.   Once again, you had lost. Every time you rebelled, each punishment was more painful than the last. His subjugation and control over you was chipping away at the last reserves of your willpower. A part of you now wondered if it would be easier to just go along with what he wanted - to end your suffering and return to your happy, forgetful stupor. But if you let that happen, then you would be a slave to his whims forever, wouldn't you?    

By this point, you simply didn't know what to do anymore.

Levi, on the other hand, was no happier than you about the whole thing. As he continued to clean your wounds, you responded less and less to the burning sensations lancing across your wounds. Your psyche simply refused to register anything anymore. You were turning numb.

With a sigh of resignation, he removed the stinging cloth and threw it to one side, discarding it.

"…It's no use, is it?" he mused, forehead creased with a weary scowl. "No matter how I try to make you understand, all you do is hate me more."  

You refused to look at him. Instead, you shuffled as far away from him as your restraints would allow, no matter how small the distance.  

"Despise me all you want, [First]," Levi stated loudly, not caring that you were doing your utmost to block out his voice. "I don't desire this any more than you do.   It was never my intention to let us sink this far. And yet, here we stand, trapped in this twisted, fucked-up game. I'm just as much a prisoner as you are."

"Bullshit." You snapped at him furiously, your will renewed by indignation. "You're just a sick, manipulative psychopath who just won't leave me alone. You're not a victim of your own game! You're the one who won't let it end!"

"…You're right. I won't," Levi murmured, gazing at you beneath hooded eyelids. "I've walked too far down this path to stop now.   I don't care what I have to do, what I have to put you through, or how long this madness should be made to last.   I will bring the two of us back to the way we were before, whatever it takes."

You felt the sheets rustle beneath his weight as he climbed onto the mattress next to you. Your skin began to crawl. Strain as you might against your chains, you could move away no further.  

The weight of his lean, yet taut and muscled body rested against your form. His arms wrapped around you like the coils of a snake, bringing you close and forcing you to disown any hope that you could move away from him. Closing his eyes, he nestled his head against your neck and collar.   The sigh of his breath tickled the surface of your throat. You gulped, feeling the hair on your nape stand on end.

He did this every night, too. Once he was satisfied with the amount of pain he put you through, he would always lie next to you on the bed and cradle you close.   Holding you intimately, like a lover, in the dead of night. Suffice to say, you hated this even more than the actual torture itself. Those hands that showed no remorse in marking your skin with cuts and bruises suddenly became loving and gentle. His warmth seeped into your body the longer he embraced you. And no matter how much you wanted to shut him away mentally, nothing could close your ears from the sweet, poisonous nothings he whispered to you, whenever he leaned in close.

You hated it, because it left you confused.   Worst of all, he knew it. This was your true weakness.

Long, slender, pointed fingers crept up and twined around your shackled hand, tangling with yours. You felt the brush of his lips against the wing of your ear.

"…Do you remember the way we were back then?"   He spoke, in a voice that was almost tender. "When I used to hold you like this? When you drew close to me out of your own volition?" The point of his nose pressed into your neck. With a deep, humming breath, he took in your scent.   "…You trusted me back then, and I gave you everything.   There were no barriers between us.   You used to be so warm and loving… but now, there's nothing but cold distance between us."

You closed your eyes, trying not to listen.   But you remembered. Your memory was damaged, you could only recall bits and pieces of your past. Still you remembered being held like this… encapsulated in warm, protective arms that promised no harm or danger. And so, part of you wanted to believe that the man you loved before still existed somewhere. Even if he was now trapped in the guise of a monster.

"…I know I deserve to rot in Hell for what I've done," Levi continued, sounding strangely pensive. Perhaps even a little remorseful.   "I suppose I could just give you back your freedom and spend the rest of my days pining after you in some dark, lonely cell. But would it really do you any good? It's not as though you can take care of yourself without me, not in the damaged state you're in…"

Before you knew it, his fingers began to travel delicately, yet purposefully down your arm. First, they tugged lightly at the metal cuff around your wrist, making sure that your bindings was secure. Satisfied, his hand went lower, creeping across the marked flesh of your forearms, lightly squeezing the contours of your shoulder, before finally cupping against your soft cheek. A thumb swept across your lip. On the inside you were cringing with disgust, but to your fury, your face and neck began to flush red with heat.

"…Besides," he whispered, hovering close to your face.   "You can't hide anything from me.   You say you want your life back, but I know what your heart truly yearns for…"

With that, his lips began to trail along the sensitive line of your jaw. In the hollow silence, his kisses were audible. Your skin prickled with red-hot signals that left your blood racing. Not with fear or anger, but rather, something resembling excitement.

You let out a whimper as he climbed upon you with his full weight, clinging to you like a parasite as his lips continued to leave impressions upon your neck. What shamed you the most was the fact that you weren't hating this as much as you ought to. After an entire day's worth of nothing but pain, abuse, and terror… to feel him touch you with such warmth and exquisite tenderness was almost comforting.   Blessed relief. A small window of pleasure in this waking nightmare. And against your better judgment, you found yourself welcoming it.

"See?" he purred, reading your thoughts like a book.   "…You're hardly putting up a fight, now.   Don't you see how much easier it is, if all you did was cooperate?"

"No…" You protested weakly. "You’re wrong… I’m not…!"

You felt his fingers tighten around your chin, forcing you to stare nose-to-nose with him. It was frightening how he could switch from being gentle to domineering to downright vicious at the drop of a hat. Too terrified to disobey, you meekly looked up at him.  

"I can erase this pain of yours, you know," he insisted. "…All you have to do is let me."

There was something strangely alluring about the pale, pointed features of your captor. You caught yourself staring at his lips. They were narrow, slightly-parted, and gleamed with faint moisture. Redness too, from kissing the wounds on your neck. But most of all, those black and stormy eyes, sunken from lack of sleep and perpetual restlessness, hypnotized you. That penetrating stare of his stole your ability to think on the spot, and left you frozen.

…Not that you could stop him, even if you wanted to.   Taking advantage of your trance, Levi moved in, and placed his lips against yours.

You immediately stiffened, expecting to feel the bruising force of his mouth invading you with no restraint whatsoever.   To your surprise, you experienced no such thing. Instead, his lips were strangely warm and soothing. There was no roughness this time, Levi's kiss was as mild as could be.   And yet, you could feel the passion in his ministrations, sending pulses of pleasure through your mouth and jaw.   It was enough to make you moan with yearning, in spite of everything. You had been kissed like this by him before. How long had it been since you last felt this way? How could you have forgotten just how much you missed this? His lips wrapped around yours, your body snug in his embrace, the low rumble of his voice as he strained to deepen the kiss… Everything felt so familiar, like a long-forgotten dream that came rushing back all at once.

It was then that you wondered irrationally, amidst the haze of pleasure … Maybe I do belong to him, after all.
 
Your heart was filled with conflict, but Levi paid no heed to your distress. Instead, his tongue demanded entrance. Half-heartedly, you resisted, reminding yourself that the one kissing you with such tenderness was in fact your enemy. It didn't take long for Levi to clue into the fact that you were still rebelling against him. That was when you felt a familiar sting of pain jabbing lightly into your side. The point of a knife. There was no real harm or injury meant by that gesture. Rather, it was a warning.

Regardless, there was nothing you could do to stop yourself from crying out loud. As your lips opened, Levi seized the opportunity, and delved deep into your mouth with his tongue. This time he was forceful, but in a way that left you feeling exhilarated.   With the knife pressed against your side, he had no reason to fear the bite of your teeth this time. The insides of your mouth tingled.   As his fingers splayed across your skin, pressing into your sensitive nerves, your whimpers turned into moans, mixing with the pleasured hum of his voice.

The more you enjoyed it, the more obscene you felt.   You were torn between shame for letting him violate you like this, and your desire for his affections. The cold sting of steel against your skin served to remind you that you were held prisoner by a man that not only made a hostage of your mind and body, but of your heart as well. If this was your reward for being docile and obedient… then maybe living your life under his control… wouldn't be so bad?

"Levi…" you uttered, revolted by his touch, yet wanting more at the same time.

"Hmm…?" Levi murmured in between kisses. "…What is it that you want, [First]? Tell me..."

One more kiss.

"I'm listening."

…And another.

"…Whatever you want, I can give it to you."

Eventually, Levi's lips left your mouth to explore your neck, trailing down to your collar. His fingers crept down to the curvature of your waist. You turned your head away, gasping for air and fighting to get your muddled feelings under control.

…That was when you spotted movement out of the corner of your eye.

You looked towards your right wrist. It was bound by a shackle and chained to the bed.   But somewhere in the midst of your straining and struggling, the pin that had locked the shackle hinges in place had fallen out and rolled away. The fetters around one wrist were now loose.

Levi… hadn't noticed a thing.  

Mind racing, you began to formulate a plan, playing possum while Levi was busy toying with you. Your eyes travelled further until they reached the nightstand. There stood the knife and the bottle of peroxide.   Both were potential weapons, but were well beyond your reach. … On the other hand, you eyed the syringe resting alongside, filled to the brim with the drug that had started everything. All of a sudden, you remembered Levi’s words…

"I want you to beg for it."

You closed your eyes, drew in a deep breath, and steeled your nerves. You weren't one-hundred percent certain if you would be able to pull it off… but a chance like this was the only hope you had left. Time to wager all or nothing. No matter what Levi did to confuse your heart, nothing could tempt you away from the desire to survive, first and foremost.

"Levi." You stated his name clearly, intent on getting his attention.

The black-haired man lifted his face from the collar of your shirt and looked at you. You gulped. His stare was unnerving. You prayed with all your heart that you would not fail.

"…I… I was wrong," you said, faking as much guilt as you were able. "I belong to you. So please… Stop this. Let me go.   I won’t try to escape or disobey you anymore. I’ll do whatever you want me to… Just please… stop this…"

Levi tilted his head to the side curiously, listening to your pleas.

"I told you," he replied coolly. "You have the power to put an end to this. All you have to do is beg me for that drug."

To his surprise, you hung your head and nodded passively.

"I… I understand," you said in a pitiful voice.   "I want… I want…"

Levi's eyes widened. He leaned in closer, ready to soak in every word.

Your mouth opened. "I want to forget all of this, Levi. I want you back." You stared at him directly as you said this. "…Not the monster that you are now, but the man I loved back then. I want to go back into the past, and pretend all of this never happened. I want… I want to be happy with you again. So please…! Make me forget!"

His first response was simply to stare at you.   For a moment, you were terrified that he had seen through your ploy. But as you held your breath in fear and anticipation, there was no mistake about it.   His expression had melted into one of warmth, relief, and joy.

"[First]…"

He almost sounded as though he was on the verge of tears.

Levi held you close, letting out a sigh of release.   "My love… I knew you would come to your senses in the end. I've waited for so long… You don't know how glad I am to hear you say that…"

He kissed you again, fervently this time.   You smiled back and bore it with all your might. Your eyes remained focused on the syringe resting just out of the corner of your vision.

All the while, Levi mused to himself. "… I still intend to keep you here, where no one but I can interact with you. That said, the others are all bound to get suspicious if you disappeared from the public eye entirely. All I need to do is temporarily wipe your memories every so often. You'll make a public appearance every once in a while, and let everyone know that all is well. They need not ever know the truth."

He didn't ask for your approval, but you gave it anyway. "Yes… I understand, Levi," you nodded, mentally crossing your fingers behind your back.

Levi was on the verge of bliss, seeing how compliant you had become. Your heart began to pound like mad as he reached for the syringe.

"You've made me so happy, [First]…" he purred, needle glinting in his hand. "In return, I can be what you want me to be. Anything you wish for, I'll give it to you. From now on, we'll begin anew. Wipe the slate clean. Turn back time, and rid ourselves of a past best left forgotten. You and I will be happy together.   …Forever."

His smile was chilling, the look of a man drowning in his own madness and obsession. You suppressed your fear, determined not to let this one chance slip away. The expression on your face was one of perfect submission. But underneath, you were concentrating with all your might.
 
Wait for it… Wait for him to come closer…
 
At last, he began to lean in. You expected to feel the bite of the needle in your neck right away. But instead, he derailed your focus with another kiss, deep and slow.

His alluring whisper reached your ears.

"So now you finally understand… Every inch, depth, and layer of your being belongs to me, now."

Silently, you begged to differ.

Something sharp and thin began to sink into the side of your neck. Mustering all your strength, you forced your wrist downward. There was a loud snap of metal as the shackles flew apart. Your right fist flew free from its bindings, and rammed into the cheekbone of your captor.

Caught completely off guard, Levi flinched and let go of you, clutching his face. Clenching your teeth, you pulled the syringe out of the vein in your neck, and armed yourself with it.

This is where it ends, you vowed angrily.

The moment Levi realized what you were doing, his teeth bared back in a feral snarl. "Give it back!" With murder in his eyes, he lunged at you, reaching for the syringe in your hand.

By now, every vein in your body was charged with adrenaline. Despite your weakened state, you were ready for him. After a moment of furious grappling, scratching, and snarling on the mattress, you managed to wind one loose chain around his neck, viciously pinning him in place. His face turned white. His nails began to claw at his throat, struggling to pry it loose.

For a moment it appeared as though his life was at your mercy. But as your wounds began to re-open and bleed, you knew that it was only a matter of time until his strength outmatched yours.

Instead, you jabbed the syringed into his neck, struck a vein, and flooded it with the amnesia-inducing drug.

The moment the barrel was empty, your energy finally gave out. Your arm went limp, and the syringe rolled from your hand, onto the floor. Your grip on the chain loosened, and unwound itself from Levi's throat.

The black-haired man himself was frozen in place, slowly comprehending exactly what you had just done to him. One palm was clutched against a swelled vein in his neck, and his jaw hung open in an expression of shock.  

"What…" His voice was barely a whisper as he stared at you. "…What have you done?"

Never before had you seen him with such a horrified expression. From the looks of it, there was still some time before the drug kicked in, giving him time to react accordingly. You, however, were all out of sympathy.

"I… did what I had to do," you gasped for breath, giving him a cold stare. "I've given you a taste of your own medicine."

Shit! He's still awake and kicking,   you thought in a panic. I knew he was strong, but I didn't realize the drug would take some time to knock him out… At this rate, nothing will stop him from killing me…
 
But to your surprise, you had suddenly become the least of Levi's concerns. Once the reality sunk in, the knowledge of what was going to happen to him, he immediately clenched his palms against the side of his head and rocked back and forth.   Violently. Was he breaking down…? You wondered. He looked as though he were in pain.

…Sure enough, tears began to fall upon the sheets.

"No… no… no, no, no, no…" he moaned. "This wasn't supposed to… Everything's gone all wrong… This wasn't supposed to happen! At this rate, I'll…!"

This was coming from a man who showed absolutely no remorse in wiping away your memories, and was now about to get the same treatment. This was supposed to be poetic justice. This was supposed to be your moment of victory. Your triumph. You ought to feel nothing but contempt for him…

…And yet, witnessing Levi's full-blown distress made you feel otherwise.

 
"Levi…" You said, rising up from the mattress.   "It's over. There's nothing you can do. This madness has to stop and it will end with the loss of your memories.   Not mine.   Yours."

Though it relieved you to say this, there was not an ounce of joy in your words.

Levi, however, was in a complete state of denial.  

"No…" he uttered, clenching his fists and biting his teeth together. "I won't let it happen… I refuse to forget!"

Your face turned white with fear as he suddenly grabbed the knife from the headstand. But contrary to all expectations, it was not you he was pointing the blade at. Rather, it was himself.

Defying all rational judgment, you reached out with your free hand and grabbed his wrist, preventing him from impaling his neck on the blade.

"Levi…!" you shrilled, fearing for his well-being.   His, of all people. "What the hell are you doing?!"

His movements were suddenly clumsy.   Uncoordinated, as though dulled by intoxication. His eyes were starting to glaze over. The medicine was slowly taking effect.

Levi was grasping to stay conscious, sweat dripping from his face. "I need to… get this drug out of me…" His knuckles turned white against the blade hilt. "I have… I have to drain it out…."

"Stop it!" You reprimanded him, wrestling with him for possession of the knife. "You'll kill yourself!"

For some strange reason, his life still mattered to you now. Perhaps the bonds of love clung tighter than you realized.

Levi shook his head frantically. "If the only other alternative is to forget, then I'd rather be dead!"

You were left dumbstruck as he suddenly gripped your collar, not out of viciousness, but of desperation. You could see the look on his face now. His eyes were red and welling up with tears.

"You don't understand…" He croaked, shoulders trembling. "You might not remember anything good about our past… But these memories of you... Your warmth and kindness that I remember so vividly… They're all I have left."

His grip on the knife loosened, leaving it in your palm. His strength was waning. As he buried his face into your shoulder, you could tell that he was slipping on the boundaries of consciousness.

Still, he continued to plead to his very last, as if you alone had the power to save him.

"Without them… I have nothing else…!" he sobbed, holding you close, clinging to you like a lifeline, a rock at sea. "…Please… don't take them away, I'm begging you. I don't want to forget…!"

Perhaps he realized the futility of it all, which was why he did no more than wrap his arms around you, staining your shoulder with bitter tears as his consciousness began to ebb away. You, on the other hand, neither returned his embrace… nor did you shove him away. Instead, you found yourself frozen in a flashback, staring wide-eyed into space.   All of a sudden, you were confronted by a fragment of your past that you had failed to remember until now.  

…

No matter how much you begged him to explain it to you, he avoided your eyes completely. Out of stubbornness? Out of apprehension? You knew not the answer.
 
"I think…" He said, in a tone stiff with anxiety.   "…That there might be something wrong with me. I don't know what's happening, exactly. But every single day, it gets worse. I can feel it."
 
For the first time, Humanity's Strongest Soldier looked unsettled. Perhaps, even afraid. But of what, though? Not of himself, surely!
 
You reached out, but he shrank from your touch, shaking his head. "That's why I… I want you to stay as far away from me as possible. Nothing good can come of this. You have to listen to me."
 
You didn't listen. Instead, you closed your hand around his, refusing to let him pull away from you.
 
"That's not going to happen, Levi," you tried to reassure him. "I'm here, and I'm not going to leave you. We can work through this together. …Just tell me what I need to do."
 
Levi's expression was full of pain and conflict.   His desire to keep you close won over his better judgment.
 
"I'm trying my hardest not to change, believe me…" He shook his head. "But I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I don't want to hurt you, but at this rate… I think I might lose myself completely."
 
You were left stunned as he threw his arms around you, and hid his face against your shoulder.
 
"If that happens…" he begged. "Please. Promise me that you'll do everything you can to stop me. Don't let me hurt anyone. Not you. Especially not you…"
 
You had not the faintest idea why he was asking this of you, or what exactly was it that left him so terrified of himself.   Without thinking any more of it, you held him close, if only to console him.
 
"…I promise."
 
…

Before you knew it, tears were spilling out of your eyes. Forgetting your earlier pain and misery, you held Levi close, tightening your grip around him as his own arms fell loose and limp.

In the end, I managed to keep my promise… You thought, burying your face against Levi's hair. I only wish I had remembered… That I tried a little harder to understand…

Still clutched in your hand was the knife, still stained with your blood. You could have ended everything there with absolute certainty, if you wanted to.

But somehow, even after everything this sick, hateful man had put you through, you didn't have the heart.  

Closing your eyes, you let out a weary sigh and allowed the knife to fall from your hand. It hit the floor with a clatter. Slumped against your shoulder, Levi remained perfectly comatose. His eyelids were shut, though they fluttered every so often. Looking closer, there was an expression of perfect serenity on his face. The look of a man dreaming peacefully.  

You were right all along, Levi… you thought to yourself dazedly.   Oblivion truly is a blissful thing.

---

A few days later, you sat quietly in the office of the infirmary while Hanji gave her report.

"After running a number of tests, I think it is safe to say that his memories of the entire past year, and then some, have been completely wiped away," she explained solemnly. "Though your account suggests that the amnesia can be reversed under certain conditions, there is really no way of knowing when or where that may happen."

The bespectacled woman smiled ruefully at you.   "I didn’t tell him anything about your history with him. For the moment, he has absolutely no idea who you are."

Your hands were folded tightly in your lap.   "You don't think that he's… lying… do you, Ma'am?"

Hanji's eyes were understanding. "I seriously doubt that he is in the right state of mind to come up with a good lie. If you see him now, you'll know what I mean. I can see why you're worried, though."

You shook your head. "No, you're probably right. … I believe you."

It was difficult to feel completely settled about the whole thing, but for the moment, it looked as though you were finally safe. Still, you couldn't help but feel some twinge of regret about the whole thing. Maybe even a bit of anger and fear, but that was dulled now.

Erwin was standing by the desk, arms crossed and features drawn together in a scowl. It was clear that he was no more pleased about the circumstances than you were.

"[First], I want to let you know that if you so wish it, he can still be made to assume responsibility for his crimes," he said in a serious voice. "He may not remember anything at all now, but given the sufficient evidence on hand, it will be enough to implicate him in a handful of wrongdoings. Abduction and unlawful imprisonment, unlawful drugging of another person, aggravated assault…"

He let out a heavy sigh. "I'm afraid I can't hide my disappointment about the whole ordeal, but it's not my call to make. Just say the word. I will assume responsibility and ensure that Levi is punished accordingly."

You thought for a moment, considering all the wrongs he had inflicted on you. By now, you were too tired and worn out to hold any grudges. All you cared about now was your safety. If there was any chance that Levi was still the monster that had made a prisoner of you for all these months, then of course you would want him to receive his just punishment.

…But now, you were no longer sure if that was the case.

And so, you shook your head. "…I don't want that, Sir. What good would it do to punish him, when he doesn't know anything anymore?" You continued, ignoring the shocked looks on their faces. "I'm not saying that I forgive him for what he's done to me, or that I plan on letting myself become a victim again…"

You looked down, gazing at the bandages on your hands and fingers.

"… But maybe now," you mused quietly. "He has a chance to be human again."

Hanji and Erwin looked at each other, completely astonished. You waited tensely for them to respond, all the while feeling rather surprised at yourself.

…Why am I saying this? You wondered. Do I honestly believe he can be saved? Or am I just lying to protect him? Am I just a willing victim, blinded by my feelings for him?  
 
After a moment of awkward silence, Erwin tentatively cleared his throat.

"…Speaking from a practical standpoint," he said, choosing his words carefully. "I'd rather not have the legion lose their strongest asset against the Titans. That said, if we are to rehabilitate him so that he is once again fit for battle, I want to make absolutely sure that his mental condition will not be a problem."

Hanji's eyes lit up. "I'm sure there's a way, Commander. If anything, this will be a ripe opportunity to supplement my research into the effects of artificially-induced amnesia. Perhaps observing Levi will give us some insight into the strange and inexplicable gap in Eren's memories.   We'll be able to kill two birds with one stone!"

She was about to say more, but you spoke up, interrupting her.

"Actually… Major Hanji, Commander Erwin…" You gulped and cleared your throat. "I would like to be the one to keep Levi under supervision."

Hanji froze mid-sentence. The Commander's eyes widened.

"[First]…" he uttered, clearly wondering if he'd heard correctly. "You'll volunteer to watch him? …But why? Are you certain that's a good idea?"

You shook your head. "In all honesty… I don't know, Sir. I really don't." You pursed your lips in thought. "But at this rate, I'm the one who knows him best. I know better than anyone else how the drug works, and I know what signs to look for."

"But after everything that's happened to you," Hanji stated, rising to her feet. "Are you certain you want him anywhere near you?"

You could feel their eyes flickering uncomfortably over your form. From head to toe, shoulder to finger, you were covered in wrappings and bandages that concealed your various wounds. Ugly, purple bruises still riddled your face and neck however, as did the faint white burn marks from having your skin drenched in peroxide.

Nevertheless, you managed a weak smile. "…I think I'd be more afraid letting him out of my sight, where I can't keep track of his every move." You gave them an imploring look. "Please let me do this. I promise, if there's any trouble, I won't hesitate to run for help."

You put your every effort into convincing him, but in time, they finally agreed.

"To be honest, I'm at a complete loss as to how to deal with him at this point," Hanji reasoned.   "Suffice to say, it's a mess. And we'll need all the help we can get."

"… I hate to say it, but I agree," said the Commander, shaking his head incredulously. "I would rather not put you under any more danger, but if you can think of any way that will help us get Levi back to normal… then by all means, let us know."

You let out a sigh of relief. This was hardly the right time to feel any joy whatsoever, but little by little, you were starting to regain control of things.

"Thank you, Commander Erwin. Major Hanji." You stood up and gave your salute, before looking at them directly in the eyes. "If it's all the same, however… I would like to see him. Right now, if possible."

---

You paced restlessly outside the door that lead to the recovery room. Every now and then, your heart would seize up with fear, but you fought to steady your emotions. Even if this was what you wanted… seeing him again after everything that had happened would be no easy task. After all, there was a chance that one day, at any possible moment, he might hurt you again.

Familiar, old pains were flaring from your injuries.   Your head still felt like a mess.   You were terrified that the drug might have done some permanent damage, but until Hanji looked into it further, you had no idea what to expect from here on out.   Either way, there was no denying that your past traumas were weighing heavily on your psyche. That too, would surely affect your ability to act, think, and feel in the future.

I'm scared… You thought, squeezing your shoulders and hugging yourself tightly. I might end up like him. One day, I might lose myself… forget who I really am, and end up hurting someone I care about.

You took a deep breath to calm yourself down, and rested your hand on the door knob.

But now that I'm the one in control of everything… I'll make sure not to let that happen.
 
Steeling yourself, you opened the door and stepped into the recovery room.

The window was open, letting in sunlight, birdsong and a pleasant breeze. Levi himself was sitting upright in a nearby bed, gazing into the forest landscape just outside. His neck was lightly bandaged, and his cheek was patched up as a result of you striking him with a fist. Otherwise, he looked well physically.

In his lap, you noticed, was a notebook. A writing implement remained motionless in his hand. The page in front of him was mostly blank, save for a few illegible half-finished sentences. It was as if he was struggling to piece his thoughts together, but kept hitting a brick wall at every turn. Now, he appeared to have given up, and now occupied himself instead with staring out the window, into the perfect blue sky beyond.

His attention snapped towards you as your footsteps drew closer, like that of a startled deer. His eyes widened at the sight of you. You froze on the spot, expecting him to recognize you almost immediately.

…But his eyes remained blank and hollow. To him, you were only a stranger now.

His expression was vacant. Confused. Unfocused.   Suffice to say, he was simply a shell of his former self. Just a harmless, broken man with no recollection of the past. …Looking at him now was almost pitiful.

How suddenly the tables have turned, you thought in joyless irony. Here I stand where he once stood… while he has taken my place.

Mustering a brave smile, you greeted him as gently and carefully as you could.

"Hello. …Do you know who I am?"

He did not. Instead, he simply gave you a wide stare, pitch black irises stark against the whites of his eyes.

"…Who are you?" He asked.

You walked over to his bedside and folded your hands behind your back.

"My name is [First]," you told him, still smiling politely. "…I'm here to look after you."

Slowly, he registered this information, and nodded curtly.

He doesn't remember me at all, you realized. … I still love him, and he doesn't remember a thing.
 
Hiding your emotions behind a smile, you suppressed a painful twinge in your heart.

…So that's how it feels.  
 
The black-haired man scowled down at his notebook, looking tormented.

"They say my name is Levi," he muttered, with a tone of frustration. "…That I'm a Lance Corporal of the Recon Corps, and the strongest soldier Humanity has ever pit against the Titans." He shook his head, wincing at a sudden headache. "… None of that means anything to me, since I can't remember a damn thing…"

You said nothing. You were too busy staring at him, lost in your own thoughts.
                                                                                                                                                               
He's just like the way he was before… a harmless, ordinary man. …As long as he continues to forget, maybe history won't have to repeat itself.
 
…But how do I walk this path without turning into a monster, just like he used to be?
 
You quickly straightened up as his eyes drifted towards you once more. This time, he looked at you up and down, eyes wandering over the bandages and bruises that surely turned you into a horrific sight.

"… Are you a patient here too?" he asked, forehead creasing in shock. "What the hell happened? … Did… did someone do that to you?"

You refused to answer. Rather, you didn't know how to. You simply smiled placidly at him.

Maybe, just maybe, things will be back to normal from now on, you mused silently. At this point, all I want to do is move on with my life and forget this ever happened.   …But I can't help myself. … I want to pray for his happiness too.

…And who knows … Perhaps the man I love is still in there somewhere.

He watched you owlishly as you drew up a chair and sat by his bedside. His eyes were curious.

"You said your name was [First]… right?" he asked, unsure of himself. He gave you a scrutinizing look. "By any chance… have we met before?"

A current of fear ran beneath your skin, but you suppressed it, shaking your head lightly.

"Have we?" you asked teasingly. "I really don't know."

You smiled warmly at him, reaching out to grasp his hand.

"… But I want you to know that I'm here for you.   No matter what you're going through right now, I'll take care of you. I promise."

Levi stared at you with an expression of stunned silence, trying to comprehend the true meaning of your words. It was hard to say whether your words had managed to move him or not. But in the end, you noticed his eyes misting up just as he turned away to hide him.

"Thank you…" he whispered in a choked voice, tightening his hand over yours.

You watched him intently, keeping an eye on his every move. You felt strangely pleased with yourself. Maybe power and control was the best remedy for fear after all.

You were right, Levi, you thought silently, as he continued to stare out the window. In the end, this was what we both wanted. I don't know if there is a way for us to be together, but maybe… just maybe, the answer was within our reach all this time. …We just have to make sure that nothing goes wrong.

You wondered if anything good would come of this.   Perhaps it was best not to hope.   But everything that would happen from this point on was now up to you. As long as the past remained forgotten, there would be no more pain.   No tragedy. Maybe this was the fresh start the two of you had been looking for all along.

Smiling to yourself, you kept a hand folded behind your back, grasping a hidden needle.

All you had to do was keep a full syringe close by … just in case.


---END of Reset---