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'Just Be' - Part 32.5 - 'Into the Dusk'

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HEAVY MANGA SPOILER WARNING.

Author’s Notes: A special ‘optional’ chapter from the ‘Just Be’ continuity that speculates on what might have happened to Marco during the events of Part 32, hence the chapter’s numbering as Part 32.5.  At it currently stands, the true circumstances surrounding Marco’s death are a mystery, and it is unknown whether Isayama will expand on this in future manga chapters.  Therefore, readers can decide for themselves whether to accept this chapter as part of the ‘Just Be’ continuity, regardless of whether or not it reconciles with future plot points in the SnK canon.  This is especially since the presence of the Reader-character is by far the most pivotal difference between fanfic continuity and actual canon concerning the truth behind Marco’s death.

Hope you enjoy!



---'Just Be': Part 32.5 – “Into the Dusk”---

...

…Your stare left me hypnotized.

"...You're Marco Bodt of the Jinae District,” you said in a blunt voice.  “Your goal is to enlist in the Military Police so that you can serve the King.  …Am I wrong?"

Your words were so simple and clear, yet they made my heart leap.  My eyes went wide.

"No… That's absolutely right!” I exclaimed, barely able to contain my excitement.  I broke into a smile.  “No way... You honestly remembered?"

You raised your eyebrow.  "It's no big deal,” you scoffed. “Geez.  Why do you look so happy about it?"

My cheeks flared red hot.

"Aha.  N-No reason." I stammered with a sheepish smile, scratching the bridge of my nose.  ”...I'm just glad that you bothered to remember such a thing."

It’s true.  I was glad.  More than you could possibly imagine.  

You just gave me an incredulous look, not knowing what in the world to make of me.  To you, I was probably just a talkative, prying, and idealistic boy who smiled too much.  

Yet… you smiled back at me, wry and teasing.  Holding my breath, I wondered if I had managed to get through to you after all.  Jean was quick to label you as guarded and unfriendly, but I knew that there was more to you underneath the surface.  You were aloof as always.  But in the end, you opened up to me, just a little.  …And because of that, I saw your smile.

… Do you remember? That was the day you and I met and spoke together for the first time.  The day you and I became friends.  From that moment on, I knew that my life was about to change forever.

---

Jean grimaced as he shed one boot and rolled up the leg of his trousers, revealing a banged-up knee.  I stood off to the side in a fretful manner, clutching the medical kit.

Even I had to admit, you tended to be a little violent when angry.  While your kick hardly shattered anything, it was enough to color Jean’s kneecap a shade of purple I’d have never thought possible.

“You’ve got balls, Marco,” Jean remarked crudely, wincing as he massaged the area around the bruise.  “Right now, all the boys are scared shitless they’ll get their stones kicked in if they look at her the wrong way.  But you’re the only one brave enough to mosey your way onto her good side.”  

“Um, thank you?” I said, wearing a lopsided smile.  Sitting down on the bench next to him, I handed him the bruise balm.  “Really though, she’s not that bad once you get to know her.  …Sure, she can be a little defensive at times, but she’s a normal girl underneath it all!”

My words were honest.  You had a reputation for being a little ill-tempered and unapproachable, but even so… I still found you interesting.  I wanted to find out more.  To spend more time with you. To get to know you better.  Before I knew it, my head was filled with these thoughts every single day.

Jean didn’t reply.  All he did was let out a non-committal grunt as he slathered on the soothing balm.  I helped him fasten the tensor bandage.  I could tell that he was still vexed over what happened between you and him on the day of our initiation.  My failed attempt to help you two make amends only served to make the waves even rougher.  

…Back then, he and I were just at the early stages of becoming fast friends.

“Well,” Jean said after a while, frowning.  “It’s not like I can talk.  My reputation in the regiment isn’t exactly superb either.”

I blinked in confusion.

“Why do you say that?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.  “Is it because you’re not getting along with Eren?”

Jean growled irately.  “That’s part of the reason.”  He stared down at his bandaged knee.  “The other trainees always seem to have a problem whenever I speak my opinion.  It’s as if they think I’m mouthing off, when all I’m doing is telling it like it is.”

I could sense his unhappiness.  Jean had a tendency to clash the trainees because of his abrasive manner.  He always behaved as if it didn’t bother him.  But now, looking at the discontented expression on his face, I knew that it wasn’t true.

“Well, maybe they’re just not used to it,” I pointed out, nudging him with an elbow.  “Don’t worry about it.  Give it a week or two, and they’ll understand not to take it personally.  You’re honest, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”  I smiled lightly.  “I actually think it’s admirable.”

Jean frowned incredulously.  

“What are you? Some kind of saint?” he asked. “Is that why you hang around with the social outcasts, like me and [Last]?”

I burst out laughing.  “No.  I’m just a normal guy.”  I smiled at him.  “And so are you, Jean.”

Jean stared at me as though I’m anything but normal. In the end, he just shook his head.

“…Hey,” he said suddenly.  “You’re out for a place in the Top Ten, aren’t you?”

He was aloof as he said this.

I nodded and smiled.  “Yes.  That’s right.  I want to enlist in the Military Police, just like you.”

In essence, that made us rivals.  All three of us, really.  … Still, I thought.  There’s no reason why we can’t get along. …Right?

“Let’s both do our best to make it into the Top Ten,” I said to Jean, beaming as I offered a hand.

Again, I could tell Jean was wondering if I was even real.  But in the end, he smirked back at me and took it.

“Sure thing,” he said.  “I’ll be expecting results, so be sure not to disappoint me.”

I grinned back at him.  “Haha, I’ll try not to.”

From that moment on, I knew we were going to get along just fine.  You were an interesting person… but to me, so was Jean.  

That said, I never realized just how much we would end up relying on each other in the years to come.

---

Like Jean, you had your own way of speaking your mind.  

“Marco, you’re a decent person,” you said to me one day, as we were heading back to the barracks.  “…But I have to be honest.  Your friend Kirschtein is a certified moron.

I smiled weakly.  Normally I’d protest, but it’s not like you’re spreading venom behind anyone’s back.  No, seriously.  Jean was practically there to hear everything, and you knew it.

“Funny you should mention friends, [Last],” Jean retorted on my other side.  “Except for Marco, have you even got any friends to speak of? It’s not like we see you talking to anyone else.”

I saw you bristle with anger at that remark.  “Yeah? And why should that bother me? Just because you’re annoyed that Mikasa isn’t talking to you?

Jean bared his teeth, face turning red with rage.  I quickly stepped in.

“Hey, that’s enough, you two,” I chided you both.  “Let’s not make such childish jabs at one another.  I know you guys are better than this.”  I gave the two of you an imploring look.  “Come on.  Please?”

Jean fell silent.  So did you.  The same guilty expressions flickered across your faces.

“…You’re right,” you said at last, glowering off to the side.  “That was low of me.”

“Yeah.  It was my bad,” Jean said, prodding me gently with an elbow.  “Sorry about that, buddy.

In spite of the ceasefire, the two of you continued to exchange dirty looks every now and then.

I let out a sigh, and smiled wearily.  When nudged the right way, the two of you were usually open to compromise, albeit a grudging one.  Still, it was exhausting trying to reconcile you and Jean through these inevitable arguments.  Being the mutual friend, I’m always the one stuck in between.  Stuck with the job of mediation.  The other trainees, Eren especially, would always remark on how they felt sorry for me.  I always seemed to be the one trapped in the crossfire, between two equally hot-headed, stubborn people.

But it’s not as though I hated it, or anything like that.  To me, it was another way of interacting with you both, and understanding the two of you a little better.  After a while, the role just came to me naturally.  Knowing that, I never had a reason to complain.

In a way, it was actually rather fun.  I felt as though this mutual friendship gave me some kind of purpose.

Also, I saw it as a chance to get closer to you.

---

… But everything went beyond what I had expected.  In the years to come, I did become closer to you.  In turn, you and Jean became close in your own way… and I became close friends with Jean.

I was well aware of the fact that you two relied on me.  I was the one who understood you both, listened to your worries, and helped you through the troubles that plagued you.  Jean depended on me to validate his worth as a human being.  You needed me to console you in your moments of insecurity.  I was a listening ear.  A shoulder to lean on.  A voice of reason.  Everyone saw it… and so did I.

Because of you and Jean, I felt needed.  I felt like my life had purpose.  That there was a meaning to my existence.  I was important to the both of you.

…But as the two of you matured, things started to change.  You and Jean continued to argue and bicker, of course… But all of a sudden, the two of you started to talk through your differences on your own, without having to rely on me for help.  You resolved your arguments and reached a mutual understanding, all by yourselves.  By then, I could tell that you and Jean had grown closer than I had ever expected.  Not only that, but the two of you became strong enough to stand on your own without needing my support.

Seeing the two of you like that …I suddenly felt as though I was no longer needed.  It’s selfish and petty of me, I know… But once I realized just how much you and Jean had changed, I was overwhelmed with loneliness.  … Had I outlived my usefulness after all? For a while, those were the thoughts that tormented me whenever I saw you and Jean together.  

…But… even so…

“…Yo, buddy.  You still alive?”

I remember Jean’s cheerful and teasing grin every time he said those words to me.  Always the same tone.  Always the same phrase.  During that time, I had fallen into the habit of getting lost in my thoughts every now and then. Those words were Jean’s favourite way of bringing me back to reality.  Worked every time.

But his voice is not the only one I kept hearing.

“That worried look is so not you, Marco.  Let’s see your smile!”

… You always had your own way of cheering me up.  The way you look at me, so bright and intent… I can’t help myself but smile in the end.  

No matter where the two of you went together, I was always included.  You and Jean both made sure of that.  In time, I soon began to realize that all of my worries about not being needed… were all in my head.  In fact, I was the one who needed both you and Jean.  The two of you just happened to notice it faster than I did.

Three years certainly went by in a blink, didn’t they? There was no pretending that training was difficult, and even grueling at times.  But to me, those three years were never Hell.  How could it have been, when you and Jean were always there by my side?

---

You and Jean both have a way of making miracles come to life when things are at their worst.  I’ve always been able to recognize greatness whenever I see it, and the two of you were blessed with an abundance of it.  I don’t need to second guess myself.  I have all the proof I need.… After all, you both saved my life more times than I can count.  The fact that I still exist right now is evidence enough.

They say, that when history witnesses a great change, Razgriz reveals itself… first, as a Dark Demon.  Then, as a Great Hero.  That was the story I cherished in the years of my childhood.  The night before the invasion, I saw that story spring to life, when the three of us were cornered by Fleischer and his men.

… We were Cadets just fresh out of graduation, and yet we were forced to do terrible things in order to save ourselves.  When I tore that man’s arm apart with gunfire, I couldn’t tell at the time what I was thinking.  Later, I realized… I had felt absolutely nothing at all.  No remorse, or compassion.  I saw the cold look in Jean’s eyes as he crushed that gunman’s eyeball.  I saw the vicious intent on your face as you beat Fleischer to a bloody pulp.  It was as though we had become something other than human.

I still believe that a Demon had truly possessed the three of us, that day.  Dark as it may sound, that was the miracle that saved us.  Our will to survive together was what banished all of our limits, physical and psychological, in that split-second moment.  In the end, we emerged alive.  Shaken and scarred and clinging to each other for dear life... but alive.

But that wasn't the end of it.  I saw it happen again and again on the day of the invasion.  Just when I was about to succumb to despair over your apparent death, Jean was the one that snapped me back to my senses.

“Come on, Buddy! We have to go! NOW!”

I stared in amazement as he bounded off, right over the heads of our distracted foes.  He carved a path for us, all the way to Military Headquarters.  Just like the leader I had always believed to be, he was shouting out orders, commanding everyone to move.  Wordlessly, I follow his lead, along with the rest of the Cadets.  I knew in that moment that my trust in his abilities wasn’t misplaced.  The Jean I knew in was always sharp in judgment and quick to mobilize others into action.  But that time, I felt as though I had caught a glimpse of his true potential.

… And then, just when we were all about to lose hope, you appeared out of nowhere, long after everyone had given you up for dead.  You came back to life, and without a second thought for your own safety, waged your war against the Titans.  Your movements were insane.  Blinding.  Almost inhuman.  But in the end, you saved us all.

I too, witnessed my own potential as I lead our group through the supply room operation, rifle in hand. Only then did I realize for the first time just how daunting it was, to have so many people place their lives and safety in my hands.  My judgment, my sense of timing, could very well be the difference between our survival and their deaths.  It is a terrifying burden.  ...And yet, that burden alone was what fueled my strength, and allowed me to keep my focus.  I pinpointed the exact moment to fire our weapons, no sooner and no later, and gave the order.

One by one, the Titans were blinded, then struck down.  Only a few of us had been there to witness it.  But still, I feel as though this was the moment of humanity's first victory against the Titans.  As for the three of us, it was a testament to our true capabilities as soldiers.  There was nothing we couldn't do.

Time and time again that day, we were faced with certain death, only to survive through it against all odds.  At the end of it all, there was no one I trusted more than the three of us working together as one.  We were perfectly coordinated.  We had absolute faith in one another.  We guarded each other’s lives as though they were more precious than our own.  No matter how many times we fell, we had what it took to climb back to our feet, support one another, and rise above our ordeals.  We were the workers of our own miracles.

And that’s why I believe… that the three of us, together, are the very blood and spirit of Razgriz himself.

… But in the end, all stories must witness a great change, one way or another.

---

The Crawler Titan was hit by a barrage of explosive cannon fire.  The world erupted in a blinding explosion.  I threw myself in your direction.  So did Jean.  That was the last thing I remember before everything faded into darkness.

By the time I woke up, lying amongst a heap of ruins, Connie and the others had already found me.  I was sore, shaken, but alive.  That said, you and Jean were nowhere to be seen.  

Eren had already sealed the gate.  The operation was a success.  But I had already sworn not to let myself rest until all three of us were safe and sound.  Barehanded, I began digging through the ruins in desperate search of you both.  That’s when I discovered Jean, trapped underneath the debris.

Never had I been more frightened and relieved to find him.  As I hauled him out of the rubble, he clung to me for support.  I clung back, seeking reassurance that he was still alive.  He gasped and cringed in pain, begging for me not to squeeze him so tightly.  That was the sign I needed.  I felt like laughing and crying all at once.  

In the end, I really needed him, just as much as he needed me.  

Fear brought me to my senses when I realized that you were still missing.  My mind raced.  You had to be alive somewhere, but where were you?

Not knowing what else to do, I had Connie and Sasha bring Jean back to Wall Rose, while I continued the search.  Jean filled my ears with his protests, but I had none of it.  You needed rescuing, but Jean needed to recover from his injuries.

And yet, the way Jean stared at me was enough to make me pause.  His eyes begged me not to leave him.  He didn’t want to be left alone, to suffer the anxiety of not knowing whether you and I would make it out of Trost alive.

So, I smiled at him, as calmly as I could.

"No matter what, I'll find her.  I promise,” I reassured him, gripping his hand.  “Just rest for now and sit tight.  ...We'll both be back before you know it."

I knew in my heart that those words were reckless, but I was determined to give Jean the peace of mind he needed.  He worried about you just as much as I did.  The only difference was that I was in a much better condition than he was.  I had to search for you without him.  He needed to believe in me, and let me do the rest.

Determined not to fail either of you, I turned away and broke into a run.  Somewhere behind me, I could hear Jean calling out my name as I hurried deeper into the city.  

…I wish I had turned around for one last time before I did.



“[First]…?! First! …Where are you?!”

Right now, my throat is sore and raw as I desperately call out your name.  No answer.  I’ve been searching for nearly an hour now, and I’m starting to lose hope.  Thankfully, the area is mostly Titan-free.  I can see soldiers from the Recon Corps clearing them out.  I ask them if they’ve seen any sign of you, but they shake their heads at me grimly.  

“You’d best wait it out in Wall Rose, son,” one of them advises.  “If a soldier is missing, there’s not much hope in finding them.  …You’d best look after yourself first.”

… I can’t do that.  Something in my gut instinct is telling me that you’re in trouble, and I’m not about to run off and save my skin while you’re still unaccounted for.  I thank the soldier, but I press the search on my own.  

My heart races frantically.  Something is very wrong here.  Last time I saw you, you had been so near, and yet you were nowhere to be found in the immediate area.  Even after the explosion, you should’ve been found next to Jean or myself, or at least somewhere close by. Unless you were moved elsewhere.

…That is when I suddenly find myself in a familiar area of the city.  I don’t know Trost as well as you or Jean. But back when Boris Feulner had told us that you had been abducted by Fleischer, Jean had known exactly where to look.  He had pointed out to me the narrow passageway that lead deeper into the back-alley maze, and eventually ended in a blocked off area.

Some of the buildings in the area have been half-demolished in the course of the invasion, but I recognize the area immediately.  I pause, taking a deep breath.  I know the chances aren’t likely.  But desperate as I am, it’s as good a place as any to look for you.  That’s what my instincts are telling me, anyhow.

Steeling myself, I step forth and brave the urban labyrinth, hoping that my search would finally yield something.

It does.

As I approach the blockade, I hear voices coming from very end.  Several of them, in fact.  They sound agitated.  Furtive.  But most of all, they sound familiar.

I stop right before turning the corner… and listen in.

"Hurry up, we don't have much time," says a cold, feminine voice.  “The Recon Corps will be combing this area soon.  We won’t be alone for long.”

My eyes widen.  I know that voice… It’s Annie Leonhardt.  

Bertholdt is with her.  He sounds more nervous and quiet than usual.  

“I know you don’t like it, Reiner, but… That’s how it has to be.”

I stir restlessly as I eavesdrop on their conversation.  What in the world are those three doing here? They’re our comrades, but even so… I don’t like the sound of this one bit.  

My suspicions don’t peak, however, until Reiner is the one speaking.

"Damn it...” I heard him growl with dissatisfaction. “…In the end, it just had to be her."

Her…? Who are they talking about? I ask myself, holding my breath.  It couldn’t be…

"Would you rather pick and choose?" demands Annie.  "…It's not like we can just arbitrarily single out someone to take her place.”

Her voice suddenly becomes subdued.  I can sense guilt in her tone.  

“…She just happened to be the first person we found.  None of the corpses we’ve come across have their gear fully intact and in perfect working order."  

By now, I’m wondering what in the world is going on.  I want so badly to trust the three of them, Reiner most of all.  But everything about their conversation strikes me as wrong – almost sinister.  It’s as though they’ve become different people.

Speaking of Reiner, he’s been the quietest and most reluctant so far.  It sounds as though Bertholdt and Annie are having their work cut out trying to convince him of what needs to be done.

Bertholdt places a hand on Reiner’s shoulder.  "The fact that she's already unconscious makes it easier on us,” he says calmly.  “... She won’t struggle, and she won't feel any pain."

“I know! …I know,” Reiner grimaces, sounding both pained and conflicted.  “It’s just that… I feel for badly for her.  What will Jean and Marco say, if they find out…?”

Those words turn my blood to ice.  My suspicions are confirmed.  It’s enough to make me want to act.  My hands are shaking as I reach for the flare gun in my possession.  Thank God it’s still there.  As I load a canister, I weigh my options carefully. I still have no idea what’s come over those three, or what in the world they’re trying to accomplish.

All I know… is that you’re in danger.  I have to do something.  Taking a deep breath, I prepare myself.  

Jean’s not here to help me.  I... I have to do this alone.

At Reiner’s words, Annie and Bertholdt glance at each other, their resolve wavering.  Both of them look torn.

"Listen, just …just do it. Before she wakes up,” Annie urges, sounding more stressed by the second.  “One way or another, we need that gear she's carrying.  We can’t let the Recon Corps experiment on the Titans they've captured."

Reiner lets out a low grunt of heavy resignation.  He understands, all too well.

"Remember,” Bertholdt reminds him.  “We have to make it look as though she was killed by a Titan.  If anyone suspects murder, it’s all over for us-"

I emerge from behind the corner, not bothering to mask the noise of my footsteps.  All three of them swirl around to face me.

“Who…?!” Bertholdt exclaims.  His green eyes widen.  “M-Marco...?!"

Reiner and Annie are standing there with him, staring at me in shock. But that is nothing compared to how I feel when I finally see with my own eyes, exactly what is going on.

This was the place where Jean and I had found you with Fleischer.  I remember being consumed with fear and anger when I saw you there, cornered against the wall by your attackers.  

…And sure enough, there you are, in a situation little different than the last.  My body freezes in place as I stare ahead, stunned beyond all comprehension.   You are lying unconscious against the base of the wall with your shoulders slumped over.  Annie, Bertholdt, and Reiner are standing all around you.  The moment they see me, their faces turn pale as ash.

Reiner’s jaw drops.  “Shit…”

Eyes snapping open, Annie draws her blade with a shriek of metal and takes a step towards me.  At the same time, I point my flare gun upwards.  

“Wait, NO!” Reiner roars, stepping forward to bar Annie’s path. “STOP.”

Bertholdt backpedals towards the wall, cowering behind them both.  All three of them are staring at me in alarm, waiting to see what I might do.

I keep my flare gun raised, ready to fire at a moment’s notice.  That said, all I can do is think of you.  One wrong move, and I might just end up getting you killed.  You’re in no position to act.  It’s all up to me.

I look up, and meet the eyes of my comrades.  I don’t know what to think of them now.  All I can do is hope that this is just some horrible misunderstanding.  But Annie’s actions just now have already erased that possibility.

"...What in the world… are you three doing?" I ask.  My voice is barely a whisper as I stare at them.

As soon as Annie is under control, Reiner lets go of her. He begs me. “Marco, please-”

I shook my head, interrupting him.  "What were you going to do to [First]?"

Reiner glances in your direction, then turns back to look at me.  His expression is full of pain.  

"Marco.  ...How... How the hell did you find us?"

I shrug lightly.  I am amazed by how level-headed I seem right now, considering the fact that you’re in grave trouble.  But on the inside, I am anything but calm.

"I was looking for [First]...” I say at last.  ”…And I had a hunch."

It’s all thanks to Jean, really.  I wonder to myself, how would he react if he found you like this? None too pleasantly, of that I’m certain.

Reiner lets out a string of curses.  I’ve never seen him so rattled before.  He looks so shaken and helpless.

“Shit… damn it… God fucking damn it.  Marco, you weren’t supposed to see this-“

“It’s too late for that, isn’t it?” I ask, cutting off his words.  “Why are you planning to kill [First]? Normal soldiers don’t talk about murdering their comrades and stealing their gear for whatever reason.”  

My voice is the coldest any of them has ever heard before.  It’s enough to shock even myself.

Reiner is becoming desperate.  “Marco-“

I shake my head, raising my voice above his.  “No, Reiner.  Tell me.  Tell me the truth.  Who are you, really?”  

I could care less about how he feels right now.  All I can do is look at you, lying comatose in their midst.  It's enough to put me on the offensive.

While Reiner is tongue-tied, Bertholdt speaks up.

“We don’t have time to explain, Marco, even if we were allowed to,” he says, looking tense.  “You weren’t supposed to find us.  The fact that you’re here puts all of us in a complicated situation.”

“In other words, I can’t leave.  Right?” I ask bluntly.

The three of them fall silent.  Their eyes flicker uncomfortably.  I can hardly believe what I just heard from them.

“Reiner,” I say, giving the brutish soldier a disappointed look.  “I thought we were comrades. I trusted you.  All of you.”

“Yeah, I know,” Reiner mumbles, rubbing the back of his neck.  “…That was the plan.”

He refuses to meet my eyes, no matter how hard I try to stare him down.

“We don’t have time for this,” Annie hisses, growing more nervous by the second.  “If you’re not going to handle this, Reiner, then I will.

Reiner opens his mouth to protest, but I get the first word in.

“If you do anything to her, I’m firing this into the air,” I tell them, giving my flare gun a slight shake to let them know my threat is genuine.  “The Recon Corps will be here any minute.  They’ll see the signal, and they’ll come running.”

“Do that, and you’ll both be dead before they get here,” Annie says coldly, tightening her grip on her blade.

“As if you were going to let me walk away in the first place,” I retort, trying to look unfazed.  “I’ve already seen and heard everything, so you can’t let me go either way.  Does it really make no difference if I give away our position? …Can you honestly kill us both without making it look like murder?”

Impasse.  Annie shuts her mouth and does nothing.  None of them are willing to call my bluff.  I allow myself to breathe, feeling a bead of sweat trail down my forehead.  Nothing is making sense.  Everything is turning upside down.  Our comrades are not who we think they are.  Our lives are in danger.  All I can think about is doing everything in my power to keep them from harming you.  I’ve bought us a little more time, but I’m growing more terrified for our lives by the second.  This stalemate can't last forever.

… Jean … What am I supposed to do now? You would know what to do at a time like this… wouldn’t you?

Reiner and Bertholdt look at each other, not knowing what in the world to do.  Annie is still gripping her blade, evaluating her options.  With you unconscious, the three of them can easily slaughter us if they want to.  I can hardly believe myself as the very thought occurs to me.  These were the comrades we’d trained with, lived with, and befriended for three years.  Reiner always looked after us, and always put himself last.  Bertholdt was always shy and distant, but he would always help us out whenever we needed it.  And despite her cold attitude, many of us believed that Annie’s really good at heart.

We believed in them.  Trusted them with our lives. …But now, I just don’t know anymore.

I shake my head, forcing myself to focus on what really mattered - your safety.

“Just tell me,” I say.  My voice trembles slightly.   Why does it have to be her? Why does she have to die?”

To my surprise, Bertholdt is the one who speaks up.  “… To be honest, it didn't have to be her.  She… she was just unlucky.  It could have easily been some other Cadet, but she was the first one we came across.”

There is a strange look in his eyes.  “We really aren’t supposed to tell you.  But now that it’s come to this… I guess there’s something you should know about us.”

He sighs, looking downcast.  “The truth is …We’re not the comrades you’ve believed in all this time.  We’re… we’re the enemy.

Reiner cringes as he says this.  Annie is completely impassive.

“What do you mean?” I ask.  And yet, a part of me already knows.

“We’re the ones responsible for what happened to Wall Maria,” Bertholdt confesses in a strained voice.  “… I was the one who brought down the Zhiganshina Gate.  Annie was the one who lured the Titans inside.  …And Reiner was the one who helped them breach Wall Maria.”

My eyes widen.  At first, my mind won’t register anything due to the sheer lunacy of what I’m hearing.  But then, I suddenly remember.  

Back at Wall Rose, you and Armin had discussed how the Armored and Colossal Titans might be similar to Eren.  That is, they were Titans who were controlled by humans.  And yet, Reiner and Bertholdt had been the quickest to shut down that discussion.  Only now do I realize the exact reason why.

Everything is starting to make sense at last.  Even so, I can hardly comprehend it.  Standing before me are the most capable comrades I have ever known.  Little did we all realize that they were really the worst sort of murderers ever known to mankind.  I’m almost thankful that you’re not awake to hear this.  I don’t know how you would be able to bear it otherwise.  This feeling of betrayal hits me like a punch to the gut, yet seeps like poison.  

… In the end, there is no place for trust and honor in this world, is there? The ideals I’ve harbored for so long seem more and more foolish, the more I think about it.  I don’t even have the energy to feel shocked or angry.  I don’t even know what I’m fighting for anymore.  All I can feel right now is infinite sadness for the world.

…There is no mercy or honor in war.  People live, and people die.  That’s all there is to it.  I finally understand that now.

Reiner finally finds the voice to speak.  He steps forward, eyes full of regret.  “Marco, I’m sorry.  I didn’t want you to find out like this.  You and [First]… neither of you deserve this.  No amount of apologizing will make up for what we’ve done, or what we’re about to do.  …But this is how it has to be.  I’m begging you, please forgive us.”

All three of them have their blades out now.  Their intentions are clear.  Against all three of them, I have no hope of fending them off, or protecting you on my own.  

I’m on the brink of despair as Bertholdt turns towards you, blade glinting in the darkness.  On impulse, my voice bursts out before I can think on my words.

“No, please.  …I’m begging you.  …Don’t hurt her.  Just don’t – please –“

It frightens me just how much my voice is trembling right now.  I can barely control my panic.  I’m grasping at straws, desperate for a way to save you.  The more my options dwindle, the more terrified I become.  I don’t want them to kill you.  I don’t want you to die.  No matter how they try to justify it, I’ll never understand why it must be done.  I’ll never accept it.   But what in the world can I do?  

I stare at your unconscious form, yearning to run to your side.  But my path is blocked by those three.  Lying there, oblivious to the world, you can’t do anything to save yourself.  I’m running out of time.  By this point, I realize what I have to do now.  There’s no other option.  No time to think of anything else.  But on the smallest, faintest hope that this will save you, it’s a choice I’m gladly willing to take.

I take a deep breath, heart nearly stopping as the words leave my mouth.  

“Don’t kill her.  Let me… Let me take her place instead.”

Bertholdt stops right where he is, blade hanging still in mid-air.  Reiner and Annie both freeze in place, looking at me in absolute bewilderment.

I force myself not to think.  Instead, I gather the courage to speak.

“Please.  …Just leave her alone. I… Kill me instead.”  I lower my flare gun.  I can’t find the strength to hold it upright anymore.  “She’s unconscious.  She doesn’t know anything.  You can leave her be and she’ll never know.”

On impulse, I smile hopefully, trying to get them to see reason.  Begging them, really.  

“Besides… you’ve already told me everything, right? It’s not like you can let me live, anyway.  Listen, I’ll cooperate.  I won’t fight, or run off, or call for help, or anything like that.  I’ll even let you have my gear! Just… please! Don’t harm her.”

I gauge their reactions.  All three of them are struck silent.  Their eyes flicker to each other, then to you… and then to me.

“Shit.  Marco…” Reiner whispers.  “Are… are you serious? Do you even know what you’re saying right now?”

“Reiner.  Do you even have to ask?” I say in a flat and even voice.  It surprises me how calm I can be at a time like this.  I stare them down, waiting for them to make their call.

Annie’s voice suddenly trembles.  “Why in the world would you do this? Why would you give up your own life? Just for her?

I gaze at her serenely.  “I could tell you why.  ...But I think you already understand the reason, if there’s anyone in the world whom you hold dear.”

Annie closes her mouth, looking shamefaced.  Her eyes flicker in your direction.  She clenches a fist.  I wonder if she is locked in a struggle against her own beliefs.

Bertholdt has returned to his passive and indecisive self.  Looking more torn than ever, he defers to Reiner to make the decision.  Only, his friend looks even more conflicted and more reluctant than he does.  

Perhaps the three of them are finally starting to realize the enormity of what they are about to do.  The fact that I am willing to sacrifice myself for your sake is enough to shake them to the core.  They’re not just about to take a life.  They’re about to bereave a person of their loved one.  No doubt they’ve done it before, in greater quantity and magnitude… but I imagine things are a little different when the victims involved are your own comrades.

“Reiner…” I say gently to him.  “I know what you’re thinking.  You really don’t want to kill anybody, do you?”

I don’t know whether my words are fueled by some obtuse survival instinct… or genuine sympathy.  Maybe deep down, I still want to believe that these three monsters are good people at heart.

Reiner nods wearily.  A gesture of helplessness and resignation.  “…You’re right.  I don’t.  And I can see where you’re coming from.  This way…” He looked at me sadly.  “…this way, only one person needs to die.  Am I right?”

“… You tell me, Reiner,” I say quietly.  “I’ll gladly give up my life if it’ll save her.  But in the end, it’s your call to make, isn’t it? ...You’re the one who decides who needs to be killed and who doesn’t.  You have that power, after all.”

Reiner closes his eyes.  His shoulders sink, as though weighed down by a heavy burden.  We all watch, waiting for everything to boil down to a decision.

After a while, he looks towards you.  “… Let’s leave her here.  We’ll …we’ll have to do this somewhere else.”  He turns towards me, but has trouble meeting my eyes.  “She’ll be safe here.  ...We’ll make sure the Recon Corps find her and bring her back to Wall Rose.”

I let out a sigh of relief, stronger than I had ever felt so far.  It’s enough to bring tears to my eyes.

…You’re going to be alright. Oh, thank God…

… All that’s left now is for me to pay the price.  

Bertholdt and Annie still look uncertain, but in the end, Reiner’s words convince them.  None of them can find the courage to look me in the eye as they divest me of my flare gun and my Maneuvering Gear, piece by piece.  Following that, Bertholdt and Reiner both position themselves to escort me away from the area, while Annie takes the lead.  All three of them are ready to move out.

… Inevitably, my eyes drift back to you.

“Wait…” I say suddenly, refusing to budge.  “Please… Just… let me have a moment with her.  I promise, I won’t wake her, or cause trouble…”

They look hesitant, but in the end they believe me.  Whatever I do now, the both of us are dead if I make one wrong move.

“…I’ll give you five minutes,” Reiner says finally.  “Annie will guard you both.  Bertholdt, keep watch from above.  I’ll go out and make sure the entrance is clear.”  

Bertholdt moves to obey, disappearing into the rooftops above.  Annie stays where she is, still holding her blade.

“Thank you,” I say quietly.  My words are sincere.

Reiner says nothing.  He turns his back towards me, and leaves for the narrow passageway beyond.  Annie takes position at the entrance to the bottleneck.

With no one standing in my way this time, I rush over and fall to my knees by your side.  Gently, as carefully as I can manage, I lift you from the ground and cradle you in my arms.  

“…  [First] ...” My voice trembles as I murmur your name.  As expected, you don’t respond.  Frantically, I begin to check you for injuries.  

…You’re out cold, with a slight bump on your head.  I can tell that you aren’t about to snap awake anytime soon.  But even so, your chest is rising and falling in steady, gentle rhythm.  Other than a collection of scratches and bruises here and there, you aren’t gravely wounded.  

But who am I kidding?  To me, just the fact that you’re alive is a miracle in itself.

...

[Soundstamp: "15 Years Ago" - from Ace Combat 5]

...

... After an entire day spent in a world full of fear, worry, and wavering hope, I’ve finally found you.  You’re safe and here in my arms.  There are no words to describe my gratitude.  All I can do is hold onto you and thank the Heavens that I can still feel your warmth, and hear your heartbeat.  …At least something is right in this chaotic and unpredictable world.

Looking down, I can see that you’re still wearing the cloak I lent to you.  I smile in spite of myself, flattered and amazed that you would treasure such a thing. … Well, I guess there’s no need for you to give it back now, is there? I make sure that the cloak is secure and snug around your form.  I won’t let you freeze to death.

… My hands are trembling.  The reality of my decision is finally settling in.  To be honest, I’m scared.  Really scared.  The fact is, I’m not going to live to see another day.  What I truly want is to stay here with you, and cling to your warmth and familiarity.  No matter what sort of pain or fear I’m harboring, you have the power to make it all go away.  You always have.  I wish I could make this moment last forever.

But Annie is watching us intently.  I know… I know I don’t have much time left.

I gaze at you sadly, holding you close against my chest.  The tears are starting to well up.  In a moment, I probably won’t be able to hold them back anymore.  …But I have to be brave, for your sake.  I have to believe that this is the right decision for me to make.  I have to be strong.  I have to…

… My shoulders start to shake.  I can’t help myself.  I embrace you even tighter, terrified of letting go.

You, Jean and I… the three of us fought so hard for our lives, to survive long enough to envision the future that was promised to us.  We’re so young.  We’ve so much to live for, and we’ve come so close to seeing the end together.  … But as it turns out, I can’t walk that path with you after all.  This is where we must go our separate ways.  You and Jean will live on, and I… I will remain here.  I don’t even understand why I have die.  I don’t even know what sort of purpose that will achieve.  All I know is that I’m offering myself as a sacrifice in your place.  But to me, that’s enough of a reason.  

If sure... I'm sure if it had been Jean instead, he would have done the same.  Thank God I was the one who had found you first.  

Still, I wish I could have said my good-byes more differently.  I want so much to see Jean one last time, and beg his forgiveness.  I want to thank him for his friendship, and for saving my life before.  To convince him that he has the potential to become a great leader.  But he’s in Wall Rose now, and I’ll never be able to see him again.  To be honest, I’m terrified of how he’ll react once he finds out… what has happened to me.  I know he won’t take it well.  I know it’ll hurt him, and I know that he won’t recover any time soon.  It’s enough to fill me with guilt.

But… as long as you’re there for him… then maybe, maybe I won’t have to feel so bad about leaving you both.  After of all, neither of you will be alone.  You’ll still have one another, and no matter what happens, I know you’ll be able to manage.  You’ll keep surviving together.  You’ll uncover the truth together.  You’ll stay strong for each other.  … Just like you always have.  All I ever wanted was to be a part of that.  Even the two of you always relied on me, the truth is… I’ve always needed you both.  

I murmur my silent wishes into your ear.

… Stay safe.  Find your happiness, no matter how far you have to look.  Watch over Jean for me…won’t you? And please… don’t forget me.

I gaze at your sleeping face, and brush a lock of hair away from your brow.  You’re oblivious to the world, and yet there’s so much I want you to hear.  I want to tell you everything.  To thank you for your friendship, your strength, your courage, your kindness.  I want to tell you how grateful I am for every precious memory, from this very moment back to the day you first smiled at me.  I want to tell you how sorry I am for breaking all of our promises to you and Jean.  We were supposed to make the most of our time after graduation.  I have always wanted so badly to return home to Jinae… with you and Jean.  To see the fireflies.  ...To finish that story.

…But most of all, I want to tell you how much I care about you.  Even if you can’t hear me now… even if you’re not awake… even if you’ll never return my affections… all I want is for you to know how I really feel.  

I can feel Annie’s stare on me, but I don’t care.  All I can see is your face, the faint flutter of your eyelids, and the soft murmur of your breathing.  Emotion takes over as I close the distance and gently place my lips against yours.  You remain unconscious, yet you’re so warm and full of life.  Meanwhile, the tears are burning hot against my face.  My eyes clench shut, but I can't hold anything back.  Not anymore.

I know that this is dangerous.  I know that this is far from right.  I know that it isn’t fair to either you or Jean.  But as I’ve said to you before… I’m just a selfish person in the end, desiring all of the things I cannot have.  And what I want most right now is for this stolen moment to last forever.  I don’t have the courage to remain in a world where you don’t exist, nor am I brave enough to leave your side for one last time.  …But I have to be.

… I’ll carry this secret with me to the grave.  

As your eyelids flicker for one precarious moment, I know that my time is up.  Annie orders me up to my feet.  I silently obey, leaving you where you are.  With a heavy heart, I stare at you one last time before turning away.  From now until the last breath of my life, all I want to think about are the two people most precious to me.  Your face, and Jean's, are all I want to see.

Annie… has seen everything.  Her eyes are wide, palpitating with some indiscernible emotion.  I can’t tell what she’s thinking, but I know that she is definitely shaken.  I surprise us both by smiling calmly at her.  She immediately glances away and starts leading me out of the area.  I steadily follow.  I don’t know where she’s leading me… but I know what I’ll find at the end.  …I’m as prepared as I’ll ever be.

… It’s time for me to go.

I envision myself at death’s door.  I wonder if I’ll fall apart and have second thoughts at the very last possible moment.  Maybe I’ll end up begging for my life.  Who can tell what will happen? At the very least, I’ll preserve what pride I still have and remind myself that I’m dying for your sake.  A sacrifice with purpose.  With meaning.  The truth behind my death may never come out… but if you manage to stay alive, it’ll be proof enough that I was once here.  

...Proof that I haven't died for nothing.

Knowing that, I feel strangely at peace.  This life… was never Hell for me.  It may be true that this world is both cruel and beautiful … but I think that the goodness that exists in the people we hold dear is enough to outshine the bad.  That was what you and Jean taught me. Meeting the two of you in this life had been the true miracle all along.

Annie tells me to keep walking… but also, to keep my eyes closed.  I obey, shutting down my vision.  The sound of my own footsteps is all I can hear as I immerse myself in the quiet, calming darkness.  My heartbeat is frantic with terror at first, but I will it to slow down.  I try not to anticipate it.  Instead, I tell myself that everything is going to be alright.  All I have to do is imagine myself fading away, disappearing to the blackness.  Like a light that flickers in the wind for but one moment…

… and in the next, exists no more.
UPDATE: GUYS.  GUYS.  THIS HAS FANART NOW! GO LOOK! LOOK AT IT! O_O

WARNINGS FOR HEAVY MANGA SPOILERS.

Attack on Titan had it's own 'recap' episode, namely 13.5.  Here is the one for 'Just Be'.  A recap...and then some.  And then a lot.  Given that there are a lot of theories with regards to Marco's death, feel free to choose whether or not to accept this chapter as part of the fanfic continuity, especially since its possible that Marco's actual death (or non-death?) may be given a widely different treatment by Isayama.  It'll probably be difficult to reconcile manga continuity with fanfic continuity, but hey.  It's my fic.  Bitch, I write what I want.  >D

These tragic chapters are getting harder and harder to write, I swear.  But this one I think serves as a nice tribute to Marco, as we know him in the 'Just Be' continuity.  Incidentally, 'Into the Dusk' is the name of the songstamp used in Part 33.  Both songstamps in Part 32.5 and Part 33 have the same melody.  Sad at times, but also uplifting. 

Hope you guys enjoy! More dramatic shit to come in Part 34.Â
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marcolover6969's avatar

oh god i never read this from all the times i’ve read this fic i’m sobbing, marco is so sweet :( ilhsm