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'Just Be' [Jean x Tsundere!Reader] - Part 37

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---'Just Be': Part 37---

After what had transpired at the stables, Jean was left embarrassed and frustrated.

Don't think I'll be speaking to Connie for a while, he thought sourly, stomping up the lonely path. I swear, after all the shit I've gone through, this is the last thing I want to deal with right now…

The past few days had left him edgier than he had ever felt in a lifetime. After having to cope with everything all at once, the only bright spot in his life right now was you, and even that still lacked certainty. Having spent an entire week avoiding one another like the plague, the two of you had only just started speaking to each other. Breaking the ice, rebuilding trust, and confiding in one other as you ought to.

…And then freaking Connie Springer had to open his motor mouth and make things awkward again. Marriage, of all fucking things! It was a naïve, carelessly thrown remark, but coming from such a simple-minded kid, Jean expected no less. He sighed, running a hand restlessly through his fluffy hair. No point in letting it grate his nerves. Connie didn't mean any real harm anyway, and neither did the others. It was only natural for them to be curious, even concerned, about the well-being of Jean's relationship with you.

But nobody understood that between you and Jean, things were far from perfect. Granted, they were steadily improving, but there were still complications. … He still had feelings for you; that much was for certain. But with the sheer level of guilt he felt towards Marco, pursuing these affections further seemed like an enormously bad idea.

I know that he's gone, but I still can't get over it, he thought to himself helplessly, making his way back alone. Every time I get all sweet on her, it feels like I'm stabbing him in the back.

There was no way he could go through with this half-hearted without really fucking things up. You deserved better than that. Marco deserved better than that.

His conscience was tearing his heart to ribbons.  In the end, he decided to hold his tongue, and behave as though he didn't feel a thing. Easy enough. After all, the past week's ordeals had left him feeling completely numb. If there was anything useful he had learned from this war, it was how to keep his emotions in check.

…This fucking war.

The Recon Corps assembled at the dining hall. There, the wide-eyed, nervous initiates were formally welcomed into the legion.

Jean was the last to arrive. He looked around. A small handful of the new recruits were eager to mingle with their seniors. This included Eren Jaeger, who was already getting chummy with the Special Operations Squad like the bloody suck-up he was. For the most part however, the graduates of the 104th Training Division preferred to cluster together at a single table, where the company was consisted more of familiar faces than strangers.

"Hey, Jean!" Connie shouted, waving him over. "Come sit with us!"

With a sigh, Jean decided to forget about subjecting Connie to the silent treatment. Having retrieved his meal, he wandered over to join them.

Sitting across from him was you. For a moment he sat there and looked at you, startled. You did the same, holding your breath.

By now the embarrassment had worn off, for the most part. But the moment your eyes made contact with his, Jean felt his heart jump ever so slightly. He cleared his throat and promptly looked away, suppressing the blush that threatened to set his face aflame. You blinked widely at him, confused. God. Those eyes of yours. You just had to stare at him like that, didn't you?

Keep it cool, Jean. Now's not the time or the place to go embarrassing yourself.

With that, Jean mustered his courage, and lifted his amber eyes towards you again. He knew he ought to say something to break the ice, but he didn't know what. For some reason, ordinary interaction was as difficult as taking his trousers off in public, and he couldn't understand why. Still, he didn't want to ignore you completely. God knew how well that tended to work out.

In the end, you gave him a tentative smile. Weakly, he returned it. Thereafter, some vague comment was made about the meal before the two of you began engaging in small talk with the rest of your fellow graduates. Connie, Reiner, Mikasa… the usual people. From the looks of things, everyone had gotten the token-sized morsel of meat they were promised. Jean scowled. It was hardly impressive.

For the first time in what seemed like forever, the mood was light-hearted and cheerful. People all around immersed themselves in casual conversation. Occasional remarks were made towards the weather, the meal itself, and the peculiar hairstyles of one or two veteran members of the legion. Trivial subjects, really. Nothing deeper than that.

Everyone's kicking back and talking about shallow, unimportant things. Just like old times, Jean observed quietly, spooning holes into his stew. …No one wants to dwell on the possibility that we might end up dead over the next year.

But Jean could tell from the shadows that fell upon their faces. The prospect of dying young was on everyone's minds. They just weren't talking about it.

Not that Jean could blame them. First of all, it was hardly the best subject to bring up over mealtime. Besides, the more he thought about it, the less he wanted to think about it. He would gladly harp about the weather all day if it would help him remember what it was like to be a normal teenager. A stupid, simple kid who worried about his latest crush. Not a child soldier sitting around miserably, waiting for death… and fearing the deaths of the ones he cared for.

In the end, he thought to himself unhappily. I couldn't stop her from joining the Recon Corps… I'm sorry, Marco. You must be pretty fucking disappointed with me right now.

---

After dinner, the men and the women went their separate ways to wash up before retiring for the evening. Jean spent the next hour or so in the bathing facilities, treating himself to a much needed soak while doing his best to ignore Connie and Eren rough-housing each other in the water. Normally, the relaxing heat and dizzying steam would put him straight to sleep. But without Marco around to rescue him from accidentally drowning himself, or turning into a prune, Jean relied on his thoughts to keep him awake.

…Quite frankly, he had absolutely no idea what to do about you. This wasn't just a matter of hormones either. If it had been, the solution was simple - he'd find a room for himself somewhere and just… take care of it. In private. But no, if you were involved, then so was his conscience. His thoughts. His emotions. …And everything else that kept him from being another shallow, self-centered, hormone-addled teenager.

It was a dilemma he had to deal with somehow, and figure out on his own. He didn't expect anyone to understand.

…But he didn't expect anyone else to take action, either. Nothing could have prepared Jean for the ambush that awaited him just as he was fetching his clothes in the locker room. Putting on his trousers, the back of his neck prickled slightly, warning him of the danger. He noticed his would-be assailants a breath too late.

Two pairs of meaty, muscle-bound hands clamped down on each of his arms, holding him like a vice.

"Target acquired," growled Reiner Braun as he maintained his deathgrip. His partner in crime was none other than Bertholdt Fubar.

Jean yelled. "Wha-?"

Together, the tank and the human tower both frog-marched a bewildered Jean through the steam-filled corridor, amidst the eyes of their bewildered seniors. Most of them shrugged and went about their business in the bathing facility change-room, leaving Jean at the mercy of his captors.

"What's the big idea?!" he snarled, squirming like a mouse caught in a snake's chokehold. "Where are you taking me-"

Jean's words were cut off as the combined brute strength of Reiner and Bertholdt sent him flying headfirst into a laundry room. He flailed his arms, falling ungracefully upon a pile of soft, newly-washed towels. …Déjà vu much?

The two taller boys followed him inside, shut the door, and bolted it. Then they cornered him. Jean's head spun with irrational panic as he scrambled up to his feet, clutching the waistband of his trousers with one hand. With his belt missing, they were starting to slide off his hips.

"Wh-wh-wh-what are you two doing?" he stammered, wide-eyed. "Wh-why'd you lock the door?"

"Relax, Kirschtein," an unpleasantly familiar voice droned at him. "I don't know what you're thinking, but you need to calm the hell down."

That was the moment when Jean realized just how crowded the laundry room was. He stared up in shock, discovering himself surrounded on all sides by his fellow graduates of the 104th Training Division.

"Jaeger?" He looked around the room, slack-jawed. "Connie? Armin? You too? What are you guys all doing in here?" A brow arched suspiciously. "More importantly, what the hell do you want with me?"

"Jean, it's okay! Calm down!" Armin burst out frantically, trying to soothe him. "We didn't mean to scare you or anything. We just wanted to talk."

"Yeah? About what?" Jean snapped, refusing to let his guard (or his pants) down. "What exactly is so goddamn important that you guys have to drag me into the laundry room and gang up on me?"

He clenched his teeth, shoulders raised like a threatened cat. Having been cornered like this by you before, Jean found this situation all too familiar. And he was far from amused.

Bertholdt stood meekly to the side, glancing at his feet. Armin, Eren, and Connie looked at each other. Jean stared impatiently, waiting for an explanation.

Ultimately, Reiner gathered the courage to speak first.

"Putting it in blunt terms? It's about you and [First]," he grunted, wearing an abnormally serious expression on his face.

That answer did not please Jean in the slightest. His lips pulled back in a sneer. "Is that so?"

He spoke with such viciousness that everyone else in the room started to look nervous. It was obvious that they were about to tread on highly personal ground. The more reserved ones, namely Armin and Bertholdt, looked as though they were having second thoughts.

Jean crossed his arms over his chest. "Go on, then. Keep talking," he dared them, refusing to relent when they hesitated. "No, really. Go right the fuck ahead. By all means, I'm listening."

"J-Jean," Connie laughed weakly. "You sound a little pissed right now."

Jean's retort flew as fast and sharp as whiplash. "Oh. You fucking think?"

"Please, Jean," Armin said, desperate to placate him. "Perhaps this wasn't the best way to go about confronting you, but believe us. We really want to help."

"Help? With what, exactly?" Jean demanded. "No, forget that. First of all, what do you even fucking know about me and [First]?"

"What don't we know, Jean?" said Eren in a blunt voice. "You tell us."

Jean was just about ready to launch himself at Eren, fists bared.

Reiner immediately took matters into his own hands, and planted his trunk-like body between the two boys. Effectively, that forced them to back away, glaring at each other.

"For fuck's sake you two, can you let it go for once?" he scolded. "Jean, what we're really asking is, how do you feel about [First]? …As in, how do you really feel about her?" He narrowed his eyes in a scrutinizing manner. "More importantly, why aren't you doing anything about it?"

"Making assumptions, are we?" snapped Jean. "You didn't even give me a chance to answer the first question."

"Jean, you know what we're talking about!" Reiner insisted in an exasperated tone. "Look, did you really think we haven't noticed by now? We trained together in the same regiment for three whole years! We know you better than you're willing to admit! We know how close you are to [First], and how much you care about her. More than any friend or comrade, even."

"He's right, Jean," Armin admitted quietly. "Everybody knew all along. We all clued into what's been going on between the two of you, ever since what happened in the ravine, during that sparring exercise. It's just that… well, no one dared say a word about it until now."

When they all nodded in agreement, Armin went on. "No one's here to make fun of you, Jean. We just wanted to let you know that we - all of us - are aware of what's been going on between the two of you."

Jean was still on edge. This was a confrontation of his personal feelings, after all. But judging from the looks of his comrades, they weren't out to threaten or belittle him. In fact, they simply looked baffled about the whole matter more than anything. Of course, that didn't excuse their blatant nosiness.

Still, Jean decided to accept their good intentions. With a grain of salt, that is.

Just a grain? Jean thought scathingly. …More like a whole fucking barrel of it.

"…Yeah?" he growled, relenting ever so slightly. "…What's your fucking point?"

"We just want to know what's stopping you from being together with [First]," Connie said with a shrug, as though it were the simplest thing in the world. "And by that, we mean being… well, more than just friends. You obviously like her that much, and it's safe to assume that she feels the same way."

Jean guessed as much. There was just so much drama between you and him, that they were bound to be curious one way or another. Props to them for being honest.

Still, their words left him uncomfortable.

"… Why?" he mumbled, eyes drifting askance. "For what reason? Isn't it enough for us just to be comrades?" A reticent frown appeared on his face.

"Well sure, if you can convince yourself that that's what you really want," Eren said, scowling. Clearly he was skeptical. "But face it, Jean… Do you really want to torture yourself by holding back your true feelings?"

Jean's shoulders tensed up. Eren was right, and yet to describe the whole matter as 'torturing himself' was merely scratching the surface. There was so much he was holding back right now that it was enough to drive him insane.

After a moment of silence, he answered in a tired and forlorn voice. "… It's no one else's problem if I do."

Eren's temper flared.

"Jean, that's bullshit, and you know it," snapped the dark-haired boy. "Alright, fine. You can completely ignore the fact that most of us actually worry and care for your well-being. Your fucking call. But haven't you considered how [First] might feel? Don't you think that maybe, just maybe, she wants to be something more with you?"

The others shuffled their feet nervously as Eren's voice grew louder with every word.

Jean lifted his gaze from the floor. He squarely met Eren's stare.

"Believe me, I don't just think. I know," he insisted. "Mutual affection is not an issue here. We're both aware of how we feel about each other. She and I clarified this days ago. Back then, [First] and I… we both admitted to the fact that we cared about each other. Nothing about that has changed since then."

The rest of the boys looked at each other, amazed. This was most definitely news to them.

Jean's brows were knit together in a grimace. Nothing had changed. …Save for the fact that the other person you both held dear was no longer alive.

"…Then what exactly is the problem?" asked Eren, looking absolutely bewildered. "Your feelings for each other are mutual. You both seem to want to be together. …That's brilliant! So, why do you both keep holding yourselves back?"

Jean threw his arms up in exasperation. "Why is this so important to you guys?!"

"…B-Because the two of you deserve to be happy," Bertholdt blurted out. Jean was surprised. All this time, he had fallen completely quiet.

Those words left Jean stunned. Everyone fell speechless. Only Connie dared to break the silence.

"Jean…" the boy murmured, his forehead creased with concern. "…You do want to be with [First], don't you?"

Jean closed his eyes, looking as though he were in pain. "If you're talking about me being in some kind of deeper relationship with her..." He let out a heavy sigh. "Then yes. That's what I want. More than anything in the world."

The boys all exchanged wide-eyed looks, amazed to hear Jean admit this out loud.

Eren stared in confusion. "Then… What in the world is stopping you, Jean? What are you so afraid of?" He swallowed nervously, hesitating with his next words. "…I mean, I know that Marco liked her too. That was the only reason why you never went any further with [First], wasn't it? But now that he's…"

Eren's voice trailed off the moment he caught terrified, warning looks from the other boys. Seeing the expression on Jean's face, he immediately realized why. Bringing up Marco had made a mistake.

Jean breathed in and out slowly, keeping himself as composed and under control as he could possibly be. That said, a murderous current filled the air, causing the temperature of the room to tank several degrees lower.

"You're treading on dangerous ground, Jaeger," Jean said quietly, with a voice that was colder than absolute zero. "Don't you dare mention Marco's without good reason. And don't you fucking dare insinuate that he was ever an obstacle between me and [First]. He was so much more than that. More than you'll ever know."

Even Reiner had to take a step back at the sheer level of venom in Jean's voice.

"Idiot! Why'd you have to go and say that?" Connie hissed, turning pale.

But to their surprise, though Eren looked mortified, he remained stubbornly fixated on the current line of questioning.

"I… That's not what I meant," he said, choosing his words with extreme care. "I shouldn't have said it like that, Jean. I'm sorry."

His apology was serious. Though Jean still looked incensed, he said nothing. When Eren found no punches flying in his direction, he took Jean's silence as permission to elaborate.

"What I'm trying to say is…" he cleared his throat. "… Marco… would have wanted the two of you to be happy together." His green eyes became intense. "And to be honest, we all think it's for the best."

"He's right, Jean." Armin smiled hopefully. "You don't have to torment yourself like this. I know you can work something out with [First]. You're the only ones who can truly understand each other."

"Yeah!" Connie said with a brave grin. "You both make a great couple."

"The two of you are so close already, you're practically there," Reiner pointed out. "You've been supporting and looking after each other for so long, it only makes sense for the two of you to get together. Life is short enough as it is. Doesn't mean you have to spend the rest of your life alone."

Jean opened his mouth.

"Yeah. Because that went over real well for Franz and Hannah, didn't it?"

Those words, sharp as a scythe, wiped the smiles right off of their faces. Everyone flinched. This was an angle they had not anticipated. And yet, every single one of them knew exactly what Jean meant when he mentioned the ill-fated lovers who met their end at Trost.

Armin froze, horrified. The image of Franz's severed corpse, along with Hannah's desperate struggle to revive him, was now fresh in his mind once more.

"Funny you should talk about the two of us being happy, Bertholdt," Jean snarled at the taller boy. He turned to glare at the rest of them. "Where the fucking hell do you think we are right now?! Wall Sina? The Utopia District? NO! We're in the goddamn Recon Corps! The one military branch with a fatality rate large enough to eclipse all the others combined, a thousand times over! Discounting our suicidal fanboy here, how many of you are actually happy to be here?!"

Bertholdt turned pale and kept his mouth shut. Reiner said nothing. Armin said nothing, Connie said nothing. Eren bristled, but said nothing. With that, Jean continued with his heated tirade.

"Have you all forgotten what the Commander said at the induction ceremony? Have you even seen the legion return from the outside world, after having the shit beaten out of them? Have you seen their wounded? Their dead? The looks on their faces?" Rage turned into anguish with every word that left his mouth. "Have you all forgotten what it was like, surviving Trost?"

Their silence was answer enough. Of course they had not forgotten. They had simply been trying to their hardest not to think about it.

"I never wanted for [First] to join the Recon Corps!" Jean snarled at them. "And yet she's thrown her entire life away just to follow me! … Me, of all goddamn people! Do you think I relish the fact that she's willing to sacrifice her own safety and put herself through a world of suffering, just so I don't have to be alone? Believe me, I am far from happy."

He threw his fist forcefully against the wall behind him, causing it to tremble. "It doesn't matter how much I want to be with her! We are soldiers! When the time comes, we'll be expected to lay down our lives for the sake of humanity! What do you think will happen to the two of us then? Do you honestly think we have all the time in the world to cherish each other, we could very well end up dead tomorrow?"

Jean's face was filled with more agony than anger. By this point, his hand was surely stuck full of splinters, but what did that compare to the pain he felt on the inside?

His energy faded. Where there was once impassioned fury, there was only hollow bitterness in his voice now. His eyes were filled with hopelessness. Filled with despair.

"You guys were right. I do have feelings for [First]," he said wearily. "In fact, there's no one more important to me in this world. She's an incredible person, more so than any of you can understand, and I know for a fact that I don't deserve her! Why? …Because I'm too fucking scared to commit to anything, knowing that one day she might end up just like Marco!"

Bertholdt and Reiner both flinched. The blood drained from their faces. Connie and Armin both glanced at each other, looking less sure of themselves by the second. Their jaws moved weakly, trying to form words. But in the end, they couldn't say anything. Jean's terror was real, and far from trivial.

"Jean…" Eren too was losing the will to argue. Still, he tried to reason with Jean, this time with a gentler approach. "That's a possibility, but not a guarantee. You can't leave everything up to fate. Isn't that why we're fighting? So that we can survive long enough to see the end of this war?"

"What, you don't think Marco tried his damndest to make it out of there alive?" Jean shot back, unmoved. "There was a time when even I believed the three of us would survive. Me, [First] and Marco. We gave it our all, fought our hardest, and made so many promises. We were so close to walking out of Trost together!"

The memory of that day flooded him. His voice cracked and shuddered. "But in the end… I had to cremate my best friend. One of these days, I might have to go through that the same thing over again. …Or maybe [First] will be the one to bury my cold, rotting corpse. …Or maybe we'll both be torn to pieces and devoured together, on the same battlefield. Who can fucking say? Now tell me, how am I supposed to feel about that?"

As he expected, none of them had an answer. Though their intentions were good, it quickly became apparent that they had greatly, greatly underestimated the severity of Jean's predicament.

Jean himself was none-to-happy to clarify, but by now he was desperate for them to understand just where he was coming from. Desperate, and angry.

"I don't know what kind of sick, childish fiction you're all writing in your heads, if you think it makes such poetic sense for [First] and I to 'end up together'. All I can tell you is that there is no happy ending. There is no blissful romance! Only war and bloodshed!"

His voice climbed into a shout with every word. His hands clenched into fists, white-knuckled and shaking. "It doesn't matter how much I care for her! I can't protect her! I can't save her! I can't make her happy! I can't promise us a long and full life together! We have no future!"

Eren took a full step back, mouth falling open in wordless shock.

"Holy shit, Jean…!" Reiner uttered. Beside him, Bertholdt's knees were shaking so badly, he had to sit down.

"Jean…" Armin whispered, blue eyes wide to the brims. "Oh my God. … I'm so sorry. We…" The blond boy gulped, stumbling on his words. "We never understood… None of us realized just how deeply you feel for her…"

"This is incredible," Connie breathed. "…You sound as though what you really want… is to spend the rest of your life with her…" The realization suddenly hit him like a thrown sack of bricks. "Jean, if I didn't know any better, you just confessed everything! About how you feel, about what you really want with her… She's the one who needs to hear everything you said just now! Not us!"

"Yeah?" Jean snapped at him, irritated and fed up beyond all measure. "Well, guess what. You all fucking asked."

He glowered at them. Each and every one. "As of now, it's pointless to say anything. Our time will come soon enough. Will the Titans destroy us? Or will we simply grow tired of surviving? Who can say for certain? Until then, I'll spend every waking moment by her side, dreading that day, wondering how long we'll last in this fucking war. It's the only future we have together after all. …Judge my choices all you want, don't you dare make presumptions about my 'true feelings'. None of you know shit about how I feel. You can all stuff your 'help' back where it came from."

A hostile growl escaped his throat. "Now, can you all get the fuck out of my way so I can put on some goddamn clothes? No, I'm dead serious. This interrogation is over."

Everyone backed the hell out of his path. As the door opened, the stares of their senior comrades flooded into the room. Nobody was surprised, Jean had yelled loud enough to let the entire facility hear.

With no one to bar his path, Jean stormed out of the laundry room, one hand clutching the waistband of his trousers. The door slammed shut behind him. Back in the laundry room, his absence created an unsettling hollowness as the boys looked each other quietly. They looked overwhelmed with guilt and shame.

"Looks like we were the ones who fucked up this time," Eren said in a low, bitter voice.

---

Needless to say, Jean wasted no time getting dressed, grabbing his belongings, and marching his way back to the barracks. Alone. As far as he was concerned, the boys had better keep their distance for the rest of the evening, or else there would be hell to pay.

Nothing was more humiliating than being forced into a corner, and then being made to bare his thoughts to the world. It didn't matter that his comrades were genuinely trying to help. None of them had the right to presume they understood anything about him.

Because… none of them were Marco. And right now, there was no one Jean wanted to see more.

He was filled with the desperate longing to be with his best friend again. To see his smiling face, and hear his words. Marco always understood. Marco always knew exactly what to say. Marco had always accepted his thoughts and feelings without judgment. It was Marco's calming presence that guided him, and kept him on the correct path. Only he could possibly comprehend Jean's impasse right now. When it came to his feelings for you, Jean trusted no one else.

… But without Marco, it was as though Jean was wandering through a desert without a compass.

Where there was once a voice of reason, there was now only silence.

And Jean… wasn't used to dealing with this sort of thing all by himself.

Things were far simpler back when he was a selfish, arrogant asshole. Now that he was less the 'selfish' part, nothing was quite the same anymore. Back then, he would have jumped at the first tangible chance to be with you, simply because his heart desired it. Eren was right - Marco was the only reason he held himself back. In a way, it still was. But no, that wasn't the only thing.

Closing his eyes, Jean felt the last of his anger ebb away into weary resignation. That was when he remembered the way you lifted him back onto his feet, on the day you were both inducted into the Recon Corps.

You had reached out to him, shattered his defenses, and forced him to confront his inner torment, no matter how hard he tried to push you away. You had kissed away his tears, held him close, and reminded him that he didn't have to face this hostile world alone. Even if it meant following him into danger, you had promised to stay by his side unconditionally, knowing that it was what he secretly wanted. Those words you had said to him that day had given him hope, and pulled him out of the abyss of despair he had fallen into. Because of you, he was no longer paralyzed with the sorrow and loneliness of losing his best friend. He could finally move again. You were his strength.

…Because of that, he was now more terrified than ever of losing you.

---

The girls of the 104th Training Division, meanwhile, confronted you in the castle gardens.

"For the love of fuck, just let it out of your system already!" Ymir snapped at you, exasperated beyond all measure. "All of this pretentious bashfulness is getting on my nerves! Take him to bed if you have to!"

"Ymir!" Christa gasped, turning beet red.

You calmly met the freckled girl's domineering gaze with a level-headed stare.

"It obviously isn't an issue with you, Ymir," you said, smile flickering wryly. (Christa turned even redder) "But when a man and a woman canoodle, children happen. Setting aside the fact that this is the Recon Corps we're talking about, it's a reinforced notion that pregnancy and military life don't mix. In fact, that's just a recipe for a world of trouble that I can't risk dealing with right now."

Sasha opened her mouth. "But Franz and Hannah-"

"-were dodging bullets." You cut her off. "Let's leave it at that, shall we?"

"But… clearly you don't want that kind of thing with Jean," Christa said shakily. "So that's not even the problem here… right?"

"…I'm sorry, I'm a little confused here." Mikasa murmured sheepishly. "What is canoodling, and what does it have to do with children?"

Jaws fell open. You and the rest of the girls stared agape at her.

"We are NOT having this discussion!" you snarled.

An awkward silence befell the group, until Ymir spoke again.

"Still can't get over the fact that you referred to it as 'canoodling'," she muttered darkly.

You let out a frustrated sigh, and shook your head. Your cheeks were faint red. "Getting back on track, what in the world do you mean by 'letting it out of my system'?"

"Tell Jean how you really feel, [First]. That's what we mean." Christa urged. "You'll just hurt yourself even more if you keep holding back your emotions."

"She's right, [First]," Sasha nodded eagerly. "The truth is, you and Jean are actually very timid about your feelings, aren't you? We understand. But keeping him at arm's length has never worked out well for you in the past, has it? All it does is create confusion for the both of you." She turned with an expectant look at the raven-haired girl. "You noticed that too, haven't you Mikasa?"

Mikasa, you noticed, looked faintly baffled by what was going on. Despite her devotion to Eren, it was clear that she was the least experienced out of everyone when it came to …well, relationships of a more intimate nature. Surprisingly enough however, she seemed to be in agreement with the rest of the girls.

"I did notice it. You and Jean depend on each other emotionally, and are more than willing to risk your lives for each other," she murmured, struggling to find the right advice for you. "From what I can see, you two are closer than friends. Perhaps… even closer than family." Her dark eyes drifted awkwardly to the ground, hiding a faint blush. "I think the two of you belong together."

"See? See?" Sasha said jubilantly. "Even Mikasa agrees! Besides, isn't that why you joined the Recon Corps in the first place? You made a commitment to him on the day of our induction! That has to mean something, right?"

You gazed off to the side uncomfortably. "The only thing I promised was to stay by his side and support him through his troubles. I have no problem committing to that," you said frankly.

A frown of confusion crossed your features. "Beyond that… I really don't know what else is there between us. Where does romantic love and affection fit in? Jean and I… We're soldiers. Are we even allowed to do that kind of thing?"

Forget canoodling, you thought, turning red. How in the world do people in the military find time to spend on dating? Kissing? Cuddling? Going out into town? All of the nonsense that romantics are so fond of?

The girls stared at you, concern in their eyes. You shook your head helplessly. It was a struggle to communicate just how complicated your circumstances were, but you had to try.

"I know you guys are worried, and I appreciate that," you told them, wearing a sad and affectionate smile. "But is it necessary to worry? If you look at in a certain way, Jean and I are already together. We're both in the Recon Corps, and we made a promise to always support each other no matter how hard the storm hits."

You gave a shrug. "… And that's all there is to it. That's as far as our relationship will ever go. We're Comrades-in-Arms. He is my closest ally, and I'm his. … Isn't that enough?"

"But [First]…" Christa murmured. "Don't you want something more than that, with Jean?"

You said nothing. With a heavy heart, you already knew the answer. Your affection for Jean was more than just friendship. More than just camaraderie. You had been aware of this for years, and of course you couldn't ignore it. Even so, you knew that these feelings of yours were bound to go nowhere. Your current situation wouldn't allow it.

"… Jean… has a lot on his mind right now," you confessed. "He enlisted in the Recon Corps for a reason. There's something that he wants to accomplish, and I think…" You gulped numbly. "…I think Marco's death has something to do with it. So, I have to do my best for his sake. I don't want to cause him any needless trouble."

"… Do you still have feelings for Marco?" Ymir asked, after a moment's hesitation. The other girls stared at her, appalled that she would even mention such a thing. Even Ymir had the grace to look a little chastened.

That same painful feeling had returned. Your hand automatically went to the cloak wrapped so snugly around your collar. You were torn between guilt and sorrow over Marco's death, and the confessions he had made to you on the morning of the invasion.

"I knew I was going to have to choose between them eventually," you admitted, full of self-loathing. "I hated myself for being such a coward and toying with their feelings. I was just too scared to rush into a decision like that."

You smiled sadly, amazed at your own foolishness. "I wanted to wait. I wanted to get to know them a little better, because I thought we'd have all the time in the world. I wanted to make the right decision."

Your eyes and your nose stung red hot with tears. It took all of your strength not to break down into sniffling. "…. In the end, I never got that chance. Even now, I still don't know… who I love more. It doesn't even matter to me anymore. I wanted them both to live!"

The girls fell silent as you took a moment to compose yourself. "Now, it's just Jean and me. …And to be honest, I'm scared. Really scared. He's all I have left, and I can't lose him. I'll do absolutely anything to make sure we both survive. Knowing that, I'm so terrified for our lives, I can't focus on anything else."

You looked towards the girl in the red scarf - a survivor of Zhiganshina, and of so much more than she was willing to tell any of you. You could see it in her eyes, the scars of a horrific past.

"After all, Mikasa," You said. "Isn't that how you look after Eren? You are so single-minded when it comes to survival. You don't let your emotions, or your affections for him distract you in any way."

You smiled faintly, showing your admiration. "If I'm going to stay by Jean's side and keep on protecting him… maybe that's how I should be. Focused. Uncompromising. The less emotion I feel, the better I can concentrate on fighting for the both of us. The more I can invest myself, just like you always said. Maybe then, I can be just as strong as you are."

Mikasa, the prodigy of the 104th Training Division, stared at you in bewilderment. To your surprise, she looked more horrified by the idea than anything.

"No, [First]…" she said bluntly, eyes wide and frantic. "You don't want to be like me. You really don't. Believe me." She gulped. "You… you were fine the way you were before. You were strong, even when you got emotional and lost your temper. I don't want you to turn into someone like me."

Your eyes widened in shock and confusion. "But… why not, Mikasa?"

It was a question she was unable to answer in words. At least not right away. Either way, she wouldn't get chance.

Lance Corporal Levi had rolled right up to your merry little group before any of you had the chance to react.

"Cadets," he addressed the five of you in his usual sharp and unyielding tone. "Care to tell me why you brats are loitering in the grounds this late in the evening?"

All five of you hastily gave your salute. Sasha and Christa hesitated to answer, looking slightly nervous. Even Ymir looked a little diffident.

But Mikasa narrowed her eyes coldly, peering down her chin at the small-statured soldier. Clearly, she was not the least bit intimidated by the Lance Corporal. You were amazed by her courage- and a little bit apprehensive.

"There's still time before Lights-Out, isn't there?" she said, perhaps a little snootily. "None of us are breaking curfew after all. Sir."

Wow. Was it just you, or did Mikasa look a little angered by the sight of Levi? Probably because of what happened at Eren's trial, you surmised. You only knew of vague details, including stories of how the kid got the living shit beat out of him for his troubles. Yikes.

Black, stormy eyes narrowed into slits. Clearly, Humanity's Greatest Soldier was not the least bit amused by Mikasa's attitude.

"Wrong, Ackerman," he growled. "One of you is, and I don't need you to tell me otherwise."

You jumped slightly as his gaze snapped towards you. Cold, and uncompromising. The hell did I do? You thought, bewildered.

"Cadet [Last]. Follow me." Pivoting on a heel, he abruptly marched off, leaving absolutely no room for argument.

"S-Sir!" you answered, moving to follow him. Glancing over your shoulder, you shot an apologetic look to your friends, just before following the Lance Corporal into the castle.

…You had completely forgotten. For stealing the 3D Maneuvering Gear, the conditions of your arrest were still in effect. You groaned inwardly. These ghosts from the past would never stop haunting you.

Speaking of which, you were reminded of a certain conversation you had with the Lance Corporal, back when you were confined to a drafty old jail cell. Sure enough, it became clear that Levi himself had not forgotten in the least.

"Surprise seeing you here, Jailbird," he remarked coolly, footsteps echoing sharply through the corridor. "If I remember correctly, you mentioned not being in a hurry to throw your life away. … Then again, that was back when your ass was in prison. I imagine things have changed somewhat since then."

You flushed with embarrassment, but swallowed your pride this time.

"Yes, Sir," you said in a low, sheepish voice. "…Looks like fate has a sense of humor."

"Is that how you put it?" Levi furrowed his brows at you, clearly trying to gauge whether you were mocking him again. …That was when his eyes fell briefly on the cloak you wore. Having belonged to Marco, it still bore the crossed blades of the Trainee Corps, instead of the iconic Wings of Freedom.

"Hmph… I have to admit, this is an unexpected development - a brat like you joining the legion." The black-haired soldier peered at you intently. "Tell me. What exactly spurred on this change of heart?"

What, indeed. By now your brain circuits were almost completely fried. It was stressful enough being confronted by your friends, then being forced to explain yourself to them. To repeat the whole experience with the Lance Corporal was beyond overwhelming. Especially since it would require you to talk about the invasion, Marco's death, and your troubles with Jean. For once, you wanted to give it a rest.

"With all due respect, Sir," you said tiredly. "…I really don't want to talk about it."

Levi gazed at you with a look of cryptic silence. To your surprise, he relented.

"…Fair enough," he said. The edge in his voice had disappeared. "I don't need an explanation. You did enlist out of your own volition, after all. Your choices are your own responsibility."

He left it at that. Which, quite frankly, surprised you. You had fully expected him to give you hell over your pleasant tea-time conversation in the detention facility just a few days ago. But he neither gloated, patronized, nor called you out for changing your mind on a seeming whim. Levi simply accepted your change of heart, and left you be.

But then again, maybe black-haired soldier understood your wavelength better than you realized. He didn't even scold you for not wearing the cloak of the Recon Corps.

Just when you were starting to feel comfortable, he was glaring at you again. "Speaking of responsibility, don't think you'll be let off lightly for your past misdemeanors."

You nodded solemnly, not expecting any less.

"The terms of your probation are still in effect," Levi went on. "Your curfew is from the hours of dusk until dawn, during which you must remain in solitary confinement. Believe it or not, the Military Police are keeping tabs on how we deal with you. It's their way of asserting their judicial authority. It's difficult enough staying on their good side knowing we've taken custody of the shit-faced brat."

Clearly, he was talking about Eren. With that being said, you understood your situation well enough. Even if Levi's mention of the Military Police left a bitter taste in your mouth.

The brisk footsteps of Lance Corporal Levi echoed through the empty castle corridor. You hurried to keep up. Looking about, you frowned in confusion. When Levi mentioned your solitary confinement, you had assumed by his tone and demeanor that he was intent in clapping you in chains and chucking you headfirst into the dungeons. … At least you'd have Eren to keep you company.

So why, then, was he leading you to the officers’ suites?

"Sir?" You asked, raising a cautious brow. "Where exactly are we going?"

"To the Commander's office," he answered bluntly, glaring askance at you. "For whatever reason, Erwin wishes to see you."

Before you had the chance to bombard him with questions, Levi took the pre-emptive by opening the office door (kicking it in, more like) and basically shoving you inside.

You stumbled ungracefully over the polished hardwood, catching your balance at the last possible second. A growl of irritation escaped your lips. For Maria's sake. Was that really necessary, Lance Corporal?

A familiar voice, deep and elegant, interrupted your thoughts.

"Knocking the door first would have been prudent, Levi," intoned the Commander, wearing a faintly amused smile on his face. "I believe we discussed this before. More than once, in fact."

The broad-shouldered, blue-eyed man was sitting at his desk, deftly aligning a stack of papers against the surface. You held your breath, heart jumping slightly. Those mature, handsome features of his were difficult to ignore.

"Duly noted and filed," replied Levi in a dismissive tone. "I brought the little hell-raiser as you asked, Erwin."

As if I needed an escort, you thought disdainfully.

At the sight of the Commander's tall, imposing form, however, you nervously straightened your back and threw your best salute. A gulp escaped your throat as you greeted him.

"S-Sir! You wished to see me?"

You certainly hoped he wasn't going to reprimand you for your earlier actions! Namely striking a high-ranking officer, even if he did take a sniff at you.

But to your surprise, the Commander remained as calm and pleasant as ever.

"Don't be so nervous, Cadet," he said, making his way around the desk. "Squad Leader Zacharius has admitted that he overstepped his bounds. As long as you don't make a habit of using violence against your superior officers, I think we can overlook this minor detail."

You let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Commander. I promise to control my temper next time."

"I can see why he might be interested," Levi remarked offhandedly, leaning against the doorway with his arms crossed. "Mike mentioned that you carry the same scent as your parents."

You frowned. That again, huh?

"…I bet my mother smacked him one too," you muttered.

"More like gave him a black eye," Levi said wryly. He refused to elaborate when you gave him a curious look. "…In any case, Erwin, I believe you summoned her here for a reason."

"You're right. I did," said the Commander, gazing at you. "Without a doubt, you must be wondering about that. For a fresh recruit, I have to admit that yours is a special case." He smiled gently. "And no, not just because of your criminal record, or of the circumstances surrounding your graduation. That part was mostly Levi's concern."

"Hmph." Levi simply grunted, staring off to the side.

That's right. You remembered. It was only because of Lance Corporal Levi's recommendation, made on the Commander's behalf, that you were even allowed to become a soldier in the first place.

"Commander Pixis told you everything about your family, am I correct?" Erwin inquired, walking over to one of the office cabinets. "Your surname is one that I'm well-acquainted with. But to be honest, the moment I saw you, I recognized who you were almost immediately."

Your eyes widened faintly. Was he referring to the recruitment ceremony last night? Or rather, was it even earlier, when he nearly ran over you on his horse in the busy streets of Trost?

You rubbed the back of your neck, feeling a little sheepish. "I've only heard just recently, Sir. It's still a little overwhelming, to be honest. What's more, I've only just enlisted, but it looks as though everyone already knows who I am."

"Not you, particularly," Erwin corrected you, unlocking the cabinet and sorting through its contents. "But they did know your Mother and Father. The both of them were part of a rather closely-knit group. I met them during my first year as a Commander."

Your voice shook. It wasn't easy, thinking about what your parents might have been like while they were still alive. You cleared your throat and asked tentatively, "Did you know them well, Sir?"

"We were more than comrades," Erwin answered quietly, pulling out a medium-sized box from the cabinet. "…We were friends. All of us. Believe me when I say this - they will always be remembered."

By this time, Levi had fallen completely silent. He stared off to the side in a rather subdued manner, as though lost in his own thoughts. To you, he looked as though he were reminiscing.

"Which is why, Cadet [Last], I wanted to meet you in person," said the Commander, placing the box on his desk. "Out of respect for your parents, there is a request I would like to fulfill, one that was asked of me personally. In the event that you were to join the Recon Corps after their deaths, your mother and father meant for this to be given to you."

You scarcely knew what to think as you made your way over to the desk, with shaking knees. Erwin's gaze was sympathetic as he lifted the lid of the box. "Since you are the last surviving member of your family, the Legion also wishes to return the personal effects of your mother and father."

You knew what he meant even before he started reaching into the box. Their uniforms…

But there wasn't much left of it at all, actually. Only a bloodstained uniform jacket, bearing the emblem of the Recon Corps. A badly-torn evergreen cloak was also removed from the box and placed on the table. It was little more than a scrap of cloth now, frayed and shredded. Only the iconic symbol, the Wings of Freedom, remained perfectly intact.

"Your parents both lost their lives during the same expedition," Commander Smith said quietly. It was clear that he was accustomed to this sort of discussion. "Regretfully, we were unable to recover your father's remains. As for your mother, this was what we managed to save."

Your hands shook as you reached for the jacket first. The fabric was cold and stiff from years of storage. Dark patches remained where the garment had been soaked with blood. The sleeve was missing, torn off at the shoulder. You tried to envision it being on your mother's form, how she might have worn it in the past. It might have been your imagination, but as you clutched it close, you could have sworn it carried a familiar scent…

Erwin allowed you to access the box. Both he and Levi watched silently from a distance as you looked further inside. Your eyes widened when you saw what was there.

Letters. Bundles of them, sent all the way from Trost. You recognized the sheep-skin vellum so often used by your Grandfather, as well as the family stamp. The pages were old and yellowed, cracking at the edges. You were terrified to touch them, fearing they would crumble. Instead, you gazed at the faded ink of your Grandfather's correspondence. He spoke of how you were growing up, how fast you were learning, and how well you fared back in Trost. It amazed you beyond words, realizing that your Mother and Father had kept his letters after all, for all these years.

You also noticed another bundle of letters in the box. The handwriting was different. Cruder and simpler, written by a child's hand. Some of the letters even had pictures drawn on them. You recognized them immediately. These were the letters you had written to your Mother and Father.

For the longest time, you had been convinced that they had forgotten you. But they had kept every single one of your letters. You recognized the one that rested on top of the pile. It was the last one you had ever written to them, before you had given up on them entirely. After a while, the letters from Grandfather also came to an end…

You noticed one envelope resting in the box, amidst the stacks of letters. It was sealed shut. The moment you saw your name, written in faded ink, you knew what you would find within. …Your family's last words. Holding your breath, you opened the envelope and extracted the letter. Unfolding it, you began to read quietly.

---

Dearest [First], my beloved daughter,

As I write these words, I wonder how many years will have passed between now and the day you finally read this. If this letter has fallen into your hands, then by this point you must have learned the truth of our disappearance. Mine, and your father's. It would also mean that I am already gone by this time. I can only imagine what you must be feeling right now, reading what may be my final words to you. But I want you to know that from the day I left you, to the day I die, I have and will never stop thinking about you.

I won't make any excuses for my actions, but I know I don't deserve to call myself your mother. Your father and I knew what we were doing when we left you behind, and we accepted the consequences. Please understand that I would have done anything to prevent you from following my footsteps, even if it meant causing you to hate me. If I made your life miserable by abandoning you, then I beg you to forgive me. I realize that no amount of apologizing will pardon me for what I've done, and I understand if you choose to hate me.

You must be wondering, for what reason did I leave the Military Police to join the Recon Corps? As you can imagine, everything changed when Wall Maria was lost. Everyone in Sina spoke of sealing off the gates, and leaving the people of Wall Rose to their fate. All I could think about then, was of you and your grandfather back in Trost.

On that day, the people of Sina lost all faith, believing that the end was near. But your father and I saw something different. We both believe that the children of humanity still have a future worth fighting for. There is still hope for mankind, even if it rests on the brink. The legion exists to protect that future. If there is a way for humanity to survive and flourish, then the answer surely lies beyond the walls. That was what your father and I intended when we left for the outside world. We wanted to discover that answer for ourselves. We wanted to build a bright and happy future for you.

Looking back, I think I made the right decision, leaving the Military Police. The men and women of the Recon Corps are good people. We look after each other, like family. Papa brags about you endlessly to his comrades. There is not a single person here who doesn't know your name. He misses you dearly, and we speak of you every day.

If you are reading this, then it must mean that for whatever reason, you have decided to take up the mantle of the Recon Corps. I had hoped that it would not come to this, but I have lost the right to tell you what to do a long time ago. Nevertheless, I trust you. Your decision is your own. My only regret is not being there to support you in a time when you will surely need it. Now that I am gone, all I can offer you are these words. If you would, please heed them, for this is the last thing I can do for you as a mother.

In war, people change. I have witnessed my own share of death and violence, here in the Recon Corps. I would have done anything to protect you from that. But now that you have joined them, I am sure that you will experience the same thing as well. War wears everyone down, and turns us into a shadow of our former selves. Here at the Recon Corps, we understand the sacrifices that are expected of us. But even so, I believe that all we truly want is to move forward with our lives. To experience it as much as we can, while we still breathe. We may be soldiers, but we are still people.

So, my daughter, no matter what trouble befalls you, don't forget to live. The road you have chosen is a difficult one, but there is still goodness and happiness to be found, even when you're standing on the edge of despair. Never give up on the wonder and beauty that exists in this world. It will always be there, waiting for you, so long as you have the courage to look for it. Cherish every waking, breathing moment with the people you love. Don't live your life in a hollow, dark, and empty shell. Involve yourself with the world. Do as your heart tells you, and search for your own happiness. Even if the world should end tomorrow, you still have your life to live. Relish it. Don't be afraid of what may come in the future. Just live.

I wish I could convey these words to you in person. Every day I think about what could have been, if your father and I had decided to stay with you in Trost instead. Are you eating well? Are you growing taller and healthier every day? Are you doing well in school? Are you lonely, all by yourself? …Do you still remember what I look like? Come to think of it, I'm sure you must have changed over the years. By now you must be all grown up, no longer the tiny girl I remember, but a capable young woman. Regardless of who you are now and how you decide to live your life, know that Papa and I will always be proud of you. We love you, and will forever be in your heart.

Love,

Mother.

---

By this point, Erwin and Levi had left the office to give you some privacy. They had exited so quietly, you never noticed them go until you lowered the letter.

Your shoulders were shaking. You bit your lip together, and tasted blood. Try as you might, the tears came flooding out anyway. Streaming down your cheeks. Burning your eyes. Soaking the collar of your cloak, and dripping upon the letter in your hand. You felt like a child again, crying for a mother and father who would never come back.

It had been so long since you were last held by her, and yet the memories came back like a torrent, as though it were only yesterday. You were so small back then. Father had been as big as a Titan to you, but he was just full of grins and laughter whenever he played with you. And Mother… she lifted you into the air and bounced you up and down so easily. You remembered her warmth as she hugged you tightly, the brilliance of her smile, and the sound of her voice…

You found yourself wondering what her final moments could have been like. With that, you reached for the tattered remnants of her cloak, clutching the emblem close to your heart. Your emotions were uncontrollable now. The evergreen cloth smelled of metal, old blood, and the rotting soil of the Earth… and yet somehow, it still felt like her.

"Mom…" You whispered, clenching your eyes shut. Sobs wracked from your chest, and the tears refused to stop. It was all you could do to just let it all out.

---

Just outside the office, Lance Corporal Levi was standing in the corridor, entertaining an appeal from one full-of-shit Cadet by the name of Eren Jaeger.

"What is it, you shit-faced brat?" he coldly addressed the boy, who looked nervous beyond all wit.

"…L-Lance Corporal! Sir!" Eren stammered, saluting in earnest. He gulped. "I… I have a favour to ask of you. It's about the errands you assigned for tomorrow. I noticed that we were low on cleaning supplies and some office sundries, and I...I was wondering if you were willing to send out a Cadet to fetch some."

Levi arched an eyebrow. "I thought we were clear on the restrictions set for you, Eren. The Military Police will not allow us to let you go into town without a full retinue of soldiers to guard your every movement-"

"N-No! Nonono-" Eren said quickly, eyes wide. He bit his lip, burning with all the determination to set things right. Somehow, some way. "Not me. I was hoping that… well, someone else could do that in my stead. [First] is on cleaning duty tomorrow, isn't she? I can take over for her and do some extra work!"

Black eyes lit up with piqued interest. Strict as Levi was, he always had an ear for a good bargain, especially if it involved getting some extra cleaning done.

"Go on. I'm listening."
New chapter is finally here! @_@ Sorry for the wait! This chapter was really difficult to write for some reason.  Now that I'm deviating a bit more from actual canon events, I have to plan things out a little more carefully.  That said, here's a real angsty and emotional chapter for you! ^_^;; Much drama.  Yes.  ... But you know, next chapter will be super, super, super special, for various reasons.... 8D

Also, Mother's Day is next week.  Which makes this chapter fitting, considering what happens here.  Hope you enjoy!
© 2014 - 2024 cherrypikkins
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marcolover6969's avatar

god i envy a mothers love like that, i really hope jean and i can come to a resolution about our situation :(