'Be Not Afraid' - [Jean x Reader]

Author's Notes: This fic can possibly be read as a standalone fic, but contains spoilers to the Just Be series up to Part 38. Hope you enjoy!

...

---'Be Not Afraid'---

The sky rolled with dark, foreboding clouds. Morning had promised a gentle sun and a light scattering of rain. No one had seen the storm coming until it rolled directly overhead, throwing a shadow over the ancient castle where the legion resided.

"Sunshine, my ass. Weather looks like absolute shit today," Jean remarked grimly, pulling his cloak closer as he hurried up the path away from the gear shed. Connie, Armin and Reiner kept vigorous pace alongside. Neither of them were intent on waiting outside for the inevitable downpour.

"Looks like they made the right decision, ending today's training earlier than usual," Armin piped up, eyes wide as he pulled up his hood. The first few droplets of rain were hitting their faces, like cool pinpricks. "We can't afford any accidents before our expedition."

"Leave it to Mike to smell a storm bowling in from a mile away," Reiner grinned, shielding his eyes with a muscular hand. "We would have caught the brunt of it otherwise."

Connie wore a scowl, looking rather put out that the 3D-Maneuver exercise had ended prematurely.

"I don't see why the higher-ups are making a fuss over a little bit of rain," he grumbled. "We need all the practice we can get with the 3D-Maneuver Gear. It's not like these things break down easily, either."

Jean flashed him a smirk, the look of an insufferable smart-ass. "Oh yeah? Rain is one thing, Connie. But I dare you to try flying above the tree line under lightning and thunder. That hairstyle of yours might be a good water repellent, but can it stop you from getting fried to a crisp in mid-air?"

Connie arched an eyebrow at him. "That can happen?" he asked in disbelief.

"I read somewhere that wearing metal will make you an even better conductor for lightning," Armin said with a weak smile. "Adding in the factor of height, the chances of getting struck while using the 3D-Maneuvering Gear in a thunderstorm are actually quite high."

An ominous rumble echoed from the distance, like a monstrous beast rising from a century-old sleep. Connie shuddered.

"…Yeah, no thanks," he said, picking up speed. "I've seen trees that've been split in half by lightning. I'll gladly stick to the ground today."

The others nodded their agreement, not noticing the white fork of light that split the sky overhead.

Not even Jaeger is suicidal enough to hunt Titans in this kind of weather, Jean thought with a sneer. Or who knows? Maybe he is? … Heh. I suppose if worse comes to worst, we can always use his Titan Form as a lightning rod-

Another blast of noise, resonant and booming, rolled through the air. It was louder than the last. Even Reiner jumped a little.

"Jeez! Did you hear that?" Connie exclaimed, eyes wide.

"I think everyone within the vicinity of a square mile heard that, Connie," Jean pointed out. He tilted his head up towards the sky, and was rewarded with an eyeful of rainwater. "…Shit. It's really coming down now."

"We'd better hurry," suggested Armin, just as the ground began to drum with bouncing raindrops. There was no way to save themselves from getting drenched at this point. The faster they ran up the path to the castle, the harder it fell. Lightning continued to dance across the sky, followed by the pounding of thunder.

A thought suddenly occurred to Jean.

"… I haven't seen [First] in a while," he said, anxious. "Have you?"

The boys glanced at each other.

"There was a group of girls walking ahead of us earlier," said Reiner, frowning in thought. "She's probably with them."

Jean nodded, relieved. "…Yeah, that's what I figured."

He had lost track of you in training earlier. When the storm was about to hit and the Cadets had been called back, there had been no time to look for you after storing everything in the gear shed.

"H-Heh," Connie smirked, though a bit of nervousness escaped his show of bravado. "I'll bet the girls got scared off by the lightning and thunder. That's why they ran off without waiting for us."

Reiner raised a brow. "Which girl are you talking about, exactly? Mikasa probably wouldn't even bat an eyelid, and neither would Ymir. Sasha and Christa are both made of sterner stuff than they look." He glanced towards Jean. "And we all know just how tough-as-nails [First] can be. She's not the type to get freaked out by a thunderstorm. Right, Jean?"

Jean paused, and thought for a moment.

"…Actually, I'm not sure," he replied, suddenly disconcerted. Armin, Connie, and Reiner all gave him the same perplexed look.

Another bolt of thunder crashed over their heads, sending a faint tremor through the ground. By the time the three boys made it back to the castle, they were already dripping from head to toe with rainwater. The female Cadets were already waiting for them in the mess hall. Jean turned a little red. He had spotted Levi throwing them death glares from the officers' table. They were tracking mud into the castle.

"What took you guys so long?!" Sasha shrilled, gaping at them. "You look like the rats that drowned when the cellars got flooded last week!"

"Thanks," Jean snarked at her, removing his water-logged cloak and wringing it out over the stone tiles. (Levi looked just about ready to murder him right now.)

Sasha budged over to give Connie room. Reiner squished himself between Bertholdt and Christa, much to the annoyance of Ymir. Armin took his usual seat next to Mikasa and Eren.

"Aren't you going to sit down, Jean?" asked the blond boy.

Jean remained where he was, and glanced about with a baffled expression.

"…Where's [First]?" he asked.

Looks were exchanged. You were nowhere to be found.

"Wasn't she with you?" scowled Ymir. "She was a little slow putting away her gear. She told us not to wait up for her so the rest of us went on ahead."

"No. No, she wasn't," Jean answered, suddenly looking troubled.

"Then…" said Sasha, eyes wide. "She's still out there? In the storm?"

Everyone fell into a shocked silence, just as lightning flashed through the windows of the mess hall. Rain continued to hammer overhead, just as another bolt of thunder echoed through the castle halls.

---

The sky grew darker with every passing second. At the edge of the castle grounds stood the gear shed, a lonely and remote building near the forest boundary. The Cadets had been in a frenzy to store their gear and hurry back before the storm hit. Now, all was silent, save for the tempest raging outside. The shed would have been completely deserted if not for the lone, solitary Cadet that had been left behind.

You were huddled up in the far corner of the shed, curled up tight as a ball. Arms wrapped around your knees, face buried, you shivered from head to toe.

Stupid... Stupid… I'm so stupid!

The windows flashed with light, briefly illuminating the interior of the shed, and the equipment stored within. That was your cue to brace yourself. Immediately, you shut your eyes and clamped your hands over your ears.

KA-BOOM.

An explosion of noise rocked the shed on its foundation, sending tremors through the walls and striking every nerve in your body with fear. As the echoing thunder continued to crash overhead, wave after wave, you were left petrified against the corner, unable to move a muscle.

You bit your lip, refusing to make a sound. Refusing to let out a single whimper. Refusing to cry. The more you bottled up your terror, the more you hated yourself.

…I'm such a coward…!

Even after the warning had been issued, you hadn't realized that the storm would hit this quickly. While everyone else had been scrambling to get their asses back to base, you had stayed behind to perform some extra maintenance on your gear. …And Jean's. The moron had neglected to take care of a few essentials before leaving, so you'd decided to deal with it right away, then nag him about it afterwards at dinnertime. After all, there was absolutely no need to repeat the scare you'd had in Trost, when Jean's gear had broken down in the middle of battle.

Of course, by the time you'd finished, everyone else had been long gone. That was when you heard the first bolt of thunder. Once the rain began fall in, the rest of the storm followed suit.  Nature's fury erupted in full force.

And now, here you were, alone and trembling in the gear shed. It was cold. It was dark and musty. Through the rain-soaked windowpane, the torchlights of the castle glowed faintly from across the distance. You longed to be there, where it was dry and warm and bright and full of people. Those stone walls would surely keep you safe from any squall, you thought. But you dared not run back through the storm, out in the open. Instead, you remained where you were, leaving yourself no other choice but to wait it out. Alone.

Another blast of thunder crashed above, causing the rafters to creak and rattle. You jumped in your corner, scared out of your wits. You hated this so much. You wanted nothing more than to go home, and crawl into a nice warm bed, and bury your head beneath your pillow… You were desperate to block out the unbearable images that were bubbling up, from memories best left forgotten.

There was another flash of searing white light. This time, it was enough to reawaken your past traumas in horrifying detail.

…

…Lightning tore through the sky, followed by an explosion that sent shockwaves through every corner of the city. That was when the hideous face of the Colossal Titan appeared, hissing with coal-hot vapour. Like a dark omen, it loomed over the Gate of Trost …

...

…You stumbled blindly through the streets of your hometown, pursued by your hunters. The tiles beneath your feet ran thick with the blood of your comrades. All the while, those monstrous footsteps rumbled ever closer…ever louder… like the relentless drum of thunder…

...

…From atop the walls came the continual blasts of cannon-fire. On and off, from dawn to dusk, artillery shells were fired into the city where you were born, until every last Titan was shot to pieces. All that remained of your neighborhood was a barren, empty ground of ruin. …That was also the day you lost him forever.

…

KA-BOOM.

The ruckus was unbearable. Each roll of thunder made you feel as though you were back in Trost, and the Titans were closing in on you, step by step. Tears began to well up. You hid under the cloak Marco had left behind, like a child finding shelter beneath a blanket. Never before had you felt like such a coward…such a weakling. You had always desired to be strong at heart, but in the end you were no braver than you were ten years ago.

I can't let anyone see me like this, you thought bitterly, dreading the next thunderclap. I can't behave like a child when everyone in the legion is depending on me. At the very least, I should know how to get through this on my own, without relying on anyone else to-

BAM.

With a blast of wind and rain, the door suddenly swung wide on its hinges, leaving you startled beyond all wit. A gust of cold air swirled into the shed, and every noise from the outside was amplified tenfold - from the drumming of rain to the echoes of thunder beyond. You remained utterly frozen in place, eyes wide and palpitating. Every nerve was as tight as a cord.

A cloaked silhouette stood at the door frame against the stormy backdrop, covered in water. Your sights were suddenly overwhelmed by an eyeful of light, radiating from a hooded lantern. Just as you started to panic, wondering exactly who the storm blew in, you heard a familiar voice calling out over the noise of the storm.

"…[First]? [First], are you in here?!"

You held your breath. The sound of his voice instantly thawed the icy fear that had held you captive. Drawn by the warm glow of the lantern, you began to emerge from the dark.

"J-Jean…" you croaked, throat dry and clenched. Upon hearing your voice, the lean-bodied soldier immediately stepped into the shed, searching for you. As he lifted the lantern higher, light was suddenly thrown upon your form.

From beneath a dripping hood, amber eyes shone with relief.

"[First]? Is that you? Oh, thank God!" Jean gasped, closing the distance. His footsteps thumped against the wooden floorboards. "If I couldn't find you in here, I don't know where else I'd be able to look-"

Before he could finish, there was another explosion of thunder, more massive and earsplitting than the last. The two of you jumped. You could even see the claw of lightning, huge and blinding white, flashing through the open doorframe.

"Close the goddamn door!" You shrilled, unable to control yourself.

Jean paused, plainly surprised, but quickly moved to obey. As the door was shut, the dreadful sounds of the storm were muted. That helped. A little.

Removing his hood, Jean went back to you and crouched so that the two of you were eye to eye.

"Hey… Firefly. What's wrong?" he asked, looking alarmed. "Why are you hiding in here?"

His chest was heaving with rapid breaths, clearly he had been in a rush to find you. From the agitated look on his face, it was evident that your brief and inexplicable disappearance had scared the crap out of him.

"Everyone's waiting for you back at HQ," he panted, face flushed. "You had me worried for a second there! Why didn't you go back with everyone else?"

You stared at him with your mouth hanging open, lip trembling. You raced to come up with an excuse, but your mind refused to work. The wind howled and the rain nailed against the windows like a beast craving entrance, refusing to let you think in peace.

"Jean…I-I… " Was the only reply you could muster. You couldn't answer.

BOOM.

By this point, the storm was almost directly overhead. Lightning and thunder clashed in unison, causing the entire shed - and you - to shake like a leaf. To your mortification, a pitiful squeak escaped your mouth. You clamped your hands tightly over your mouth, cringing in fear and humiliation.

Jean was staring at you, utterly speechless. It was as though the sight of you cowering like a mouse was almost too surreal to process.

"[First]…" he said finally, in a quiet, tentative voice. "...Are you… scared of thunder?"

You finally snapped. Without a single care in the world, you hurled your pride to the wind and abandoned every effort not to cry.

"Go ahead. Laugh," You blurted out between sobs. "Call me a coward. Tell me that I'm being a complete and utter child. I honestly don't mind." Tears cascaded freely down your face. "It's true anyway, so what's the use pretending? I'm not brave or strong enough to stand on my own in a god damn thunderstorm without getting scared shitless-"

CRASH.

This time, the shockwave was so violent, a plaque fell from the wall and hit the floorboard with a loud clatter. You buried your face in your arms and hid yourself beneath Marco's cloak.

"Just laugh already!" You shrieked, right on the very edge of hysterics. "I mean it! I don't fucking care!"

For a moment, not a single word was spoken. Though you whimpered every now and then, the sound of your voice was eventually drowned out by the sound of the torrential rain. Now, it was hurtling down in heavier sheets, pummeling the rooftops with a never-ending racket that resonated through the empty air.

Jean set the lantern down on the floor and moved closer. You lifted your face, blinking in surprise as the boy got right into your personal space like it was no one else's business.

"Jean, what are you-" You stammered as the two of you bumped shoulders. Marco's cloak slipped from your head and fell over your shoulders.

"Scoot over, will you?" Jean demanded, dropping to the floor in a sitting position beside you. You inevitably found yourself lightly squished between the wall and his lean, yet tall and sturdy form.

"What are you doing?" You repeated the question, staring up at him with red, swollen eyes.

"Keeping you company," he remarked casually. "What else do you think I'm doing?"

Your jaw dropped. "But… Jean! What about dinner? Don't tell me you're planning on skipping it just for my sake!"

Jean arched a warning eyebrow at you. "I damn near drowned myself looking for you, Firefly. I'm honestly hope you're not asking me to throw my ass back out into the storm just when I've found you."

Though there was a faint note of sarcastic humor in his voice, those words left you stunned - and guilty. That's right… Jean ran all the way out here just to find me. And through a thunderstorm, no less! I'm such an idiot!

Leaning back against the wall, he sat against the floor with one leg stretched out and the other bent in. Resting an arm against his knee, he closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. Not one of weariness, you realized, but of relief and gladness. Thank goodness he had found you.

His clothes were cold to the touch after wandering through wind and rain. But sitting this close to him, you could feel the warmth radiating from his body. The gentle glow of the lantern illuminated his sharp profile. His hair, normally fluffy, was damp and matted. Water dripped from a chiseled brow and an angular nose bridge. As it fell into his eyes, he wiped it away with a rain-soaked sleeve. You suddenly worried about his health. What if he caught cold because of you?

Jean, on the other hand, was completely untroubled. Turning his head, he gazed at you calmly.

"…I'm not gonna laugh at you, [First]," he said in earnest. "I was just a little…surprised is all. You didn't strike me as the type to scare easily in a thunderstorm."

A faint smile played across his features. You narrowed your eyes suspiciously at him. Was he really not laughing, or was he? Seeing the glare on your face, he simply grinned and ruffled your hair.

"Come on. We both know perfectly well that you're not a coward," he said. "Am I right?"

His presence was strangely calming. It was almost enough to make you forget about the clamor outside.

You wiped your eyes.

"I'm… I'm NOT a coward…" You mumbled defensively. Despite your best efforts, you were unable to suppress a bit of sniffling.

Jean simply gave you a patient nod. He continued to gaze at you with an intent stare.  Obviously he was waiting for you to go on.

You gulped, gathered your nerve, and began emptying out your thoughts.

"I don't… I don't exactly like thunderstorms," you said shakily. "But I was fine when I was a kid. I never hid under the table, or cried… not all the time, anyhow. They didn't bother me that much before…"

You brought your knees up to your chest, hugging them tightly. "But after everything that's happened in Trost, I…!" Your face turned pale. "Whenever I hear a loud noise, like thunder, it reminds me of so many horrible things. The sound of gunfire, when we were almost killed by Fleischer and his men… Cannons from the wall, when our town was overrun… The footsteps of the Titans themselves… Even when the Colossal Titan appeared, it was as though a thunderbolt had fallen from the sky! You remember it, don't you? We were there when it happened!"

Jean nodded solemnly, expression turning grim. He remembered. All too well.

Another burst of thunder struck you frozen with fear. This time, Jean clamped an arm around your shoulders and pulled you close against his side. You felt safe and secure in his hold… and yet, your heart still managed to skip a beat.

"When I was kid," he began quietly. "Storms like these would always scare the shit out of me, to the point where I couldn't even look out the window. I honestly believed that the monsters in my storybooks were coming to life." He smiled lopsidedly. "I'd run to my mother the soonest chance I could get and bawl my eyes out onto her skirts."

You listened with rapt attention. Out of embarrassment for his personal image, Jean almost never opened up to you over matters concerning his family and childhood. This was a rare moment, indeed.

"And every time, she'd tell me again and again… That there's nothing to be afraid of," he said, staring into the lantern. "Titans and murderers are one thing. …But the wind, thunder, and lightning are all a part of nature. The fact that storms exist is proof that this world is full of life, both inside and out… from the fields and mountains, to the rivers and lakes, and the sky itself."

He squeezed your shoulder consolingly. "Don't get me wrong, [First]. The world is full of some cruel and messed-up shit. But, the things that shape the land we live in were never meant to harm us. …Knowing that, why should we let ourselves be afraid?"

Those words left you stunned. By now, you knew Jean well enough to know that he wasn't nearly the shallow jerk-ass he tended to be at first glance… but even that was unexpectedly deep, coming from him.

Catching you off guard, Jean leaned in closer, maneuvering his hand until they gently plucked away the cloak that rested around your shoulders. …Marco's cloak.

"I know it's easier said than done… but just try to forget about the thunder and lightning for a second," he said, lifting the cloak until the two of you were both resting comfortably underneath, like a tent. Amber eyes met yours and held on fast. "Instead, tell me… what does the rain remind you of, right now?"

Your eyes went wide. Your heart suddenly fluttered - not out of nervousness or blind terror… but from an emotion that was entirely different. It was a familiar feeling, one you had grown to know very well over the past month. …And it was all because of Jean. As you stared back at him with a bewildered look, those rich honey-brown irises, flecked with gold, pulled you in. The only sound you could hear was his breathing, your own, and the sound of falling rain…

…

// ... For you know, once even I

Was a little child

And I was afraid. //

…

…You and Jean were caught in a rainstorm on the way back from the nearby village. Taking shelter beneath the thick branches of the tree, the two of you huddled close and stood together, sharing Marco's cloak. His warmth mingled with yours. It was then that the two of you shared a moment together… possibly the most important moment of your life.

In that fleeting window of time, nothing else existed. There was no death, no violence, no pain, and no sadness - only you and him, and a moment of heartfelt bliss…

…

// ... But a gentle someone always came

To dry all my tears

Trade sweet sleep the fears

…And to give a kiss goodnight. //

…

Before you knew it, you were blushing red from neck to forehead. And yet, you were smiling warmly all the same. Jean grinned back. Before you knew it, the two of you were both spurred into movement at the exact same time. His lips met yours, and locked in a gentle, affectionate kiss.

That moment was almost ruined by another roar of thunder. As a brief burst of light and noise flooded the room, you gasped - though not nearly with as much fright as before. All it had done was startle you, really. Even so, Jean suddenly pulled you into his arms and hugged you tight. One ear rested flat against his chest. The other was covered by his rough, callused palm.

Jean leaned close, and spoke so that you could hear him, even though your ears were muffled.

"I know you don't like it when people call you weak, [First]," he murmured softly. "And you're not. Believe me, I would understand. You are by far the bravest person I have ever met. You don't know how many times I've wished for your level of courage."

…

// Well, now I am grown

And these years have shown

Rain's a part of how life goes. //

…

He rocked back and forth gently, as though he were cradling you in his arms.

"But don't believe for a second that you have to deal with everything by yourself. You're strong, but you're not invulnerable. Fear and weakness is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not saying this because I'm coddling you. …I just wish you'd rely on others a little more." He added in a sheepish tone. "…and by that, I honestly mean rely on me."

You couldn't stop yourself from laughing a little at that last amendment. Only then did you realize that your fear had completely evaporated. Wrapped up in Jean's embrace, you felt perfectly at ease. As your ear leaned against his chest, you could hear the steady beating of his heart, full of life and vigor, more powerful than any burst of thunder.

…

// But it's dark and it's late

So I'll hold you and wait

'til your frightened eyes do close. //

…

"Hey. [First]…" Jean said in a more serious tone, gripping you by the shoulder. "Do you remember the promise you made to me, on the night we enlisted in the Recon Corps?" You nodded, listening attentively. "…You said to me, 'Come Hell or High Water, I'll always stay by your side.' …and, 'No matter what trouble we're in, we'll sort it out together.' …You remember saying that, don't you?"

You lifted your head up, startled.

"Yeah! Of course I do!" you exclaimed, eyes wide. "But what does that have to do with-"

"Shh… Just listen to me for a sec, will you?" urged Jean. His amber eyes were suddenly bright. Sharp. Focused. "Look. I haven't forgotten a single word you said that day. Every night I've stayed awake, trying to wrap my head around the fact that you would put yourself through so much, just for my sake." He drew in a deep, painful breath. "Because of that, I decided… that it's only fair that I do everything in my power to do the same for you."

…

// And I hope that you'll know

That nature is so

This same rain that draws you near me. //

…

You felt his hands cup softly around your face, tilting it upwards so that you were looking only at him.

"Because of that … " he said quietly. "I want you to know that from now on, you'll never have to feel alone again. I'm here for you, whether you realize it or not. I won't let anything happen to you."

...

// Falls on rivers and land

And forests and sand

Makes the beautiful world that you see

… In the morning. //

...

His fingers lightly tousled your hair, brushing it away from your forehead.

"So please… Trust in me a little. Won't you?" he asked, staring at you hopefully.

How could you say no when he was offering so much, and begging you to accept? Without thinking any more on the matter, your face broke into a wide smile. Circling your arms around him, you hugged him tightly, burying your face against his shoulder.

"I understand," you whispered, full of gratitude. "Thank you… Jean."

Letting out another sigh of relief, Jean held you close. You could feel your ribs hurting as his arms squeezed you tight. Never had you been embraced by someone more honest and straightforward, you realized. So long as that didn't change, you knew that you could trust him completely.

…

// Everything's fine in the morning. //

…

Beside you, the lantern continued to flicker quietly, chasing away the darkness with its glow. As the two of you held each other in that cold and lonely shed, the storm continued to rage ever on. But no longer were you afraid, for you had the most important person of all by your side. His presence served to remind you that the storm was merely a storm, a force of nature that would soon pass over your heads and fade into silence. All you had to do was listen to the sound of his voice, the sound of his breathing, to understand that you were safe in his arms, and nothing would ever harm you here.

…

// The rain will be gone in the morning. //

…

… After all, you were his Firefly, and his alone to keep. As long as the two of you were together, the night would never fall.

…

// …But I'll still be here in the morning. //

…